Advice for Empty Nesters
It is not unusual for a mom or dad to feel blue once their youngest (or only) child heads off for college.
The past eighteen years, your life has revolved around your child/ren, so this inevitable change and adjustment may be initially difficult.
Do give yourself some time, especially if you are missing the parental role you’ve played for years.
However, it is important to realize that this separation is a necessary phase in your child’s development toward independence and adulthood.
Every parent has to undergo this necessary loss, whether your child heads off to college in or out of state, or begins community college nearby.
Part of being a parent is accepting each phase of development.
Hopefully, through the course of raising your child, you have given your son or daughter the tools to become increasingly self-sufficient and self-reliant.
Think about these years as transitional ones; times when your college student will rely on your words as well as shun your good advice. You’ll still receive those phone calls, texts, or emails asking for guidance, advice, and possibly extra money!
These are the years your almost-to-be adult is engaged in higher learning but also gaining valuable life lessons through friendships, relationships, and independent decisions.
Now, let’s now transition to helping you cope with this change. Be careful not to let your sadness or loneliness pull you down or distract you from re-discovering new interests, prior hobbies, or volunteering.
It doesn’t matter what you choose as long as you enjoy your decision. Carpooling, running errands, and going to high school functions may be ending, but what can be starting is a new lease on life for yourself.
The choices are plentiful, so it could be hard to make up your mind. Some adults make a career change, mentor, or enjoy learning and sign up for adult education classes. These times can be very rewarding, if you allow yourself to view them positively.
But, if you find yourself unable to see the opportunities that exist several weeks later, and are still very sad and no one or nothing can lift your spirits, I recommend seeking professional help.
Alleviate your child’s fear of Hurricanes
Some children are very sensitive and easily impacted by the news they see on TV or hear on the radio.
Hearing reports about tropical storms brewing out in the Atlantic that potentially could become the next hurricane can lodge in a child’s mind and exacerbate his or her fears.
Here are some thoughts on how you may help your child during the hurricane season in South Florida.
Young children’s fears often arise when information heard is abstract and therefore, not fully understood.
Children are very eager to learn about the world around them, but they need help to make sense of the information presented.
Children under the age of eight often cannot grasp complex concepts.
Thus, hearing about a tropical storm thousands of miles away that has the potential to change into a hurricane is beyond his or her cognitive ability.
Your child may know what it’s like to be in a thunderstorm, but that does not fully explain the power of a hurricane.
Moreover, your child may be thinking about this event in very personal terms; wondering could these strong winds and pounding rain could personally affect his or her immediate surrounding and family.
It your find your child asking the same questions over and over without satisfaction, chances are your youngster is anxious. In that case, it would be best to first reassure and comfort your child before providing factual answers.
It’s not the question that causes his or her worry, rather it is the unspoken thoughts or feelings that are disturbing. It would be best to acknowledge your child’s apprehension and let them know it is ok.
By reassuring your child, you are actually reducing his or her fear by speaking about its presence. Ironically, talking about what is scary can actually bring relief.
But, if you find your child is still uneasy, then you need to find out if something else is weighing on your child’s mind. Otherwise, it may just take a little longer than anticipated for the worry to dissipate.
Some children may remain anxious because they’ve picked up some verbal or nonverbal cues from their mother or father.
Besides letting your child know you will do everything necessary to protect your home, townhome, condo, or apt. paying attention to your youngster’s non-verbal communication is critically important.
And, if you can relay your words in soothing way without getting exasperated, this too will help create an atmosphere of safety. Your child needs to know it is ok to share innermost thoughts, feelings, as well as fantasies.
This can also help your child realize there is a difference between what is real and unreal.
One last idea may be to allow your child to participate in simple hurricane preparations. Letting your child put the peanut butter in the grocery cart, to using a tracking map to physically document the next storm may decrease anxiety and create a greater sense of personal control.
Whether your child fears hurricanes or other weather-related events helping your youngster develop ways to appropriately cope is teaching a valuable life lesson.
There will always be storms we must weather in life, whether actual or metaphorical.
Knowing that it is safe to discuss and share one’s feelings is important.
Once this lesson is learned, the better your child will fare. A reassuring word, comforting gesture, or hug can make all the difference as you let your child know you are there to comfort and soothe his or her fears which is actually more powerful than you may realize.
For additional information and practical tips, check out Fema’s website: www. fema.gov/kids)
Till next time
Dr Andrea Corn
www.DrAndreaCorn.com
http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn
COLLEGE GRAD’S RETURNING HOME – AN ADJUSTMENT FOR PARENTS TOO
Many college graduates are returning back home to live after graduation. Why?
Primarily, it is an economical necessity for the family until your graduate finds the right job.
Although this idea may not be what was anticipated prior to graduation; the current economic downturn has prompted parents to be practical and realistic.
Although returning home may be a financial necessity, it doesn’t have to viewed negatively, or as a step backwards.
However, coming home does require some re-negotiating of various house hold issues; whether it pertains to helping to care for the house, sharing a car, or if younger siblings are still living in the house, being available to assist.
But is also requires respecting each other’s need for privacy, leisure time, and his or her social life.
Hopefully, the twenty-something young adult who is returning home is far more mature and independent today.
If you have done your job well-enough, your graduate should appreciate all that you have given and is grateful to return to a loving home during this period of uncertainty, disappointment or transition.
Coming home may be the best option for your graduate now, despite your young adult imagining it’s the worst.
If you can stay present-focused, offer advice when asked, plus acknowledge feelings (without trying to take over or tell your young adult what he or she should or shouldn’t do) in regards to his or her career and/or personal choices, then your college graduate will gain an invaluable life lesson from you.
Till next time
Dr Andrea Corn
www.DrAndreaCorn.com
http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn
SLEEP AWAY CAMP and SEPARATION –ANXIETY – Who feels it more? Parents or Children?
Who feels it more? Parents or Children?
Sleep away camp is supposed to be a wonderful and fun-filled experience. Yet, some children find the adventure far less enjoyable.
Why? In part, it may depend on how well you have prepared your child for this adventure; especially if this is your child’s first time away from you.
You need to talk with your child about his or her feelings; which includes your child’s excitement and positive feelings but also his or her scared or anxious feelings too.
Most likely, all of them are going on inside your child’s mind.
Sleep away camp is exciting but for younger or first time campers, expect some discomfort attached to going away.
Once your child is away at camp he or she does not have you to rely on; whether to offer a hug, say consoling words, or share a favorite snack.
Chances are, your child will have a wonderful and caring counselor, but it cannot replace your presence.
So, be understanding if your child experiences moments of homesickness.
Going away to camp enables a child to learn about self-reliance and camaraderie in a supportive and structured environment.
Children learn new facets about themselves. They must handle relationships as well as handle conflicts without parental guidance.
Part of this occurs through learning to live among non-family members, plus cooperate with cabin mates by performing chores or playing games they may dislike.
Some parents find it easier to accept this time apart, recalling their own nostalgic childhood memories attending camp.
However, there are other parents who have a harder time accepting their child’s separation for a variety of reasons.
If your child’s departure date is creating discomfort and apprehension for you, be aware your feeling could be misinterpreted in your child’s mind.
If you suspect this, don’t deny or ignore the situation. Do talk about your feelings; but using age appropriate words.
It is natural to be thinking about how much you will miss your son or daughter because you love them.
But, don’t make them feel as if they are deserting you or that separating is too painful.
Otherwise, this could prompt feelings of guilt and make it harder for your child to feel comfortable leaving, which would defeat the purpose for sending your child away to summer camp.
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times
“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. ”
Charles Dicken’s famous opening line from “A Tale of Two Cities” could be applied to highlight the two ends of the spectrum parents experience navigating the world of social networking with their tween and teens.
While we are born wired to express ourselves and be understood by looking, holding, and speaking, this generation uses electronic gadgetry to feel connected.
This contrasts with how we become attached from birth, when it is less about specific words and more about reading the baby’s non-verbal cues to create feelings of safety, security, and feeling cared for.
While electronics have immeasurably expanded the boundaries of our interpersonal world, a disconnect occurs when intangibles such as voice inflection, emotions, and facial expressions and body language are absent.
Dr Andrea Corn
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