If you could give yourself one gift, but a gift you cannot purchase in a store, or find in a catalog, or shop for on line, what would you select?

It happens to be a gift everyone possesses, if they chose to look within. 

And, that is the gift of being kind and considerate to yourself. 

 If you can withhold unrealistic self-criticism, negativity, or judgmental thoughts, and instead find a way to be more supportive, reassuring, and empathic, you will have given yourself an incredible present.  

It is the kind of gift that provides comfort and inner security during times of need.

Developing self-acceptance is invaluable for peace of mind and truly becomes a present that keeps on giving….. 

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

Some adults find themselves in a downward spiral because reminiscing about the past brings more sadness than joy.   Others become saddened over the absence of cherished family traditions.  Many South Floridians are separated down here from loved ones or are alone as a result of divorce, illness, or other personal losses.  Recent economic conditions have brought additional restrictions to where opening one’s home, one’s heart, or one’s wallet becomes a heavy and unwelcome burden.

Truth be told, the holiday blues are not just defined by one’s external reality.  Frequently, this condition is related to what’s happening inside the recesses of one’s mind.

It may be hard to believe one’s thinking could also be a culprit. Notwithstanding medical, financial, or relationship problems, if more time is spent brooding about the past, rehashing old injustices or worrying about what has yet come to pass, then one’s thoughts perpetuate their own misery.

You can give yourself a wonderful gift, and that is the gift of peace of mind. But, you must be willing to change your outlook. Yes, it takes mental discipline, but with practice and perseverance, you can gain greater mental and emotional self-control.

If you are saying humbug to yourself reading this, chances are, your negative thinking is stronger than you realize.  It is scary to leave behind what’s familiar. As much as one hates to suffer, it is sometimes harder to risk trying something new. Changing deeply ingrained patterns and ways of thinking requires conscious effort, but it is possible to do.

Despite whatever circumstances exist in your life, and no matter your age, you have the potential to lift the dark clouds and dispel the blues that permeates your being.    This article can only point you in the direction to be more aware of what’s going on inside of you rather than dismiss or ignore all those cues.  Otherwise, they will remain pent up inside and continue to fester.

This holiday season can you learn to be your own best friend and accept yourself with less criticism and fewer unrealistic expectations?  If you can be your own source of comfort and support, then you are well on your way to lifting the holiday blues.

Here are a few other tips to help more joy into your life.

1)       Appreciate what makes you unique. Identify your personal assets (i.e., a good problem solver or listener).

2)      Give yourself a gift:  It could be kindness, forgiveness, or perhaps patience.

3)      Get busy. Activity is a wonderful way to forget your own problems and get out of your head.  Consider volunteering.

4)      Gifts can come from the heart.  Not all gifts must be store bought.  Share a favorite recipe or send an email sharing a memorable family story.

5)      Appreciate your surroundings. Take a walk on the beach, or by a park.  Reconnect with nature.

6)      Choose friends who make you laugh and feel good.

7)      Fulfill a realistic dream.

Yet, if none of these suggestions lift your spirits, please, consult with your medical doctor as your symptoms requires further attention.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

Do you look forward to this holiday?

Generally speaking it is a festive time that involves feasting and being together with family and/or friends. But, for some it can be a day that is accompanied by trepidation and/or discomfort.

It’s natural to want this holiday to be one that is as joyful as it is delicious.  Yet, past memories can kindle disappointments that detract from a day remembered for being about gratefulness and appreciation.  

You can do your best to make this day about being thankful for what  you have in your life.

 Hopefully there is something —that brings joy and gratitude.

It may be your family, friends, career, health, or freedom to pursue your dreams.

But, if you find worries, doubts, disappointments, or resentments weighing on your mind, then it takes away from being able to see what you have.

On this day of thanks,  remember you have a choice….

Either you can take in and feel good about yourself, your life, and your surroundings.  If you do, you can feast on your own peace of mind.

Or you can let others influence your mood, your mind, and take you out of your comfort zone, where discomfort fills you up. 

On this day, thank yourself if you can stay in a positive frame of mind; and not be drawn into arguments where others dish out their unpleasantries.

If you can, then your Thanksgiving will be sweeter as self-restraint has been used.  It can prevent over-indulging in food or drink to escape as well as not over- reacting to distasteful words. 

 Be careful not to create a bigger problem than there really is.

After all the only turkey you want to see on that day in the lovely roasted bird being carved on the dining room table.  

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

The past eighteen years, your life has revolved around your child/ren, so this inevitable change and adjustment may be initially difficult.

Do give yourself some time, especially if you are missing the parental role you’ve played for years.

However, it is important to realize that this separation is a necessary phase in your child’s development toward independence and adulthood.

Every parent has to undergo this necessary loss, whether your child heads off to college in or out of state, or begins community college nearby.

Part of being a parent is accepting each phase of development.

Hopefully, through the course of raising your child, you have given your son or daughter the tools to become increasingly self-sufficient and self-reliant.

Think about these years as transitional ones; times when your college student will rely on your words as well as shun your good advice.  You’ll still receive those phone calls, texts, or emails asking for guidance, advice, and possibly extra money!

These are the years your almost-to-be adult is engaged in higher learning but also gaining valuable life lessons through friendships, relationships, and independent decisions.

Now, let’s now transition to helping you cope with this change. Be careful not to let your sadness or loneliness pull you down or distract you from re-discovering new interests, prior hobbies, or volunteering.

It doesn’t matter what you choose as long as you enjoy your decision.  Carpooling, running errands, and going to high school functions may be ending, but what can be starting is a new lease on life for yourself.

The choices are plentiful, so it could be hard to make up your mind.  Some adults make a career change, mentor, or enjoy learning and sign up for adult education classes. These times can be very rewarding, if you allow yourself to view them positively.

But, if you find yourself unable to see the opportunities that exist several weeks later, and are still very sad and no one or nothing can lift your spirits, I recommend seeking professional help.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

Hearing reports about tropical storms brewing out in the Atlantic that potentially could become the next hurricane can lodge in a child’s mind and exacerbate his or her fears.

Here are some thoughts on how you may help your child during the hurricane season in South Florida.

Young children’s fears often arise when information heard is abstract and therefore, not fully understood.

Children are very eager to learn about the world around them, but they need help to make sense of the information presented.

Children under the age of eight often cannot grasp complex concepts.

Thus, hearing about a tropical storm thousands of miles away that has the potential to change into a hurricane is beyond his or her cognitive ability.

Your child may know what it’s like to be in a thunderstorm, but that does not fully explain the power of a hurricane.

Moreover, your child may be thinking about this event in very personal terms; wondering could these strong winds and pounding rain could personally affect his or her immediate surrounding and family.

It your find your child asking the same questions over and over without satisfaction, chances are your youngster is anxious. In that case, it would be best to first reassure and comfort your child before providing factual answers.

It’s not the question that causes his or her worry, rather it is the unspoken thoughts or feelings that are disturbing.  It would be best to acknowledge your child’s apprehension and let them know it is ok.

By reassuring your child, you are actually reducing his or her fear by speaking about its presence. Ironically, talking about what is scary can actually bring relief.

But, if you find your child is still uneasy, then you need to find out if something else is weighing on your child’s mind.   Otherwise, it may just take a little longer than anticipated for the worry to dissipate.

Some children may remain anxious because they’ve picked up some verbal or nonverbal cues from their mother or father.

Besides letting your child know you will do everything necessary to protect your home, townhome, condo, or apt. paying attention to your youngster’s non-verbal communication is critically important.

And, if you can relay your words in soothing way without getting exasperated, this too will help create an atmosphere of safety.  Your child needs to know it is ok to share innermost thoughts, feelings, as well as fantasies.

This can also help your child realize there is a difference between what is real and unreal.

One last idea may be to allow your child to participate in simple hurricane preparations.  Letting your child put the peanut butter in the grocery cart, to using a tracking map to physically document the next storm may decrease anxiety and create a greater sense of personal control.

Whether your child fears hurricanes or other weather-related events helping your youngster develop ways to appropriately cope is teaching a valuable life lesson.

There will always be storms we must weather in life, whether actual or metaphorical.

Knowing that it is safe to discuss and share one’s feelings is important.

Once this lesson is learned, the better your child will fare.  A reassuring word, comforting gesture, or hug can make all the difference as you let your child know you are there to comfort and soothe his or her fears which is actually more powerful than you may realize.

For additional information and practical tips, check out Fema’s website: www. fema.gov/kids)

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

Dear Concerned,

Before I get into the heart of your letter, I would like to compliment you first, by pointing out a positive aspect of your letter.

Based on your question it appears you and your ex husband have been able to co-parent rather well; putting aside painful personal feelings from the past and acting in the best interest of your children. Being able to accomplish that is commendable, as it is not always easy to do.

Psychologically, one of the most damaging consequences for children of divorce is witnessing ongoing parental conflict.  This only creates misunderstandings, confusion, loyalty conflicts, plus resentment, anger, feelings of sadness and loss.

Additionally, when erratic and unpredictable parental relationships start to occur, it negatively impacts a child’s well-being, self-esteem, plus peer and other relationships.

Of course, your worry and concern is understandable. But, it would help to learn how to calm yourself down and not let such thoughts and feelings get the best of you. Remember, nothing is going to change immediately.

I caution you to stay in the here and now and be present focused rather than imagine worst case scenarios. This is important.

Your ex-husband has stated his plan which is to commute.  So far; he has been a reliable and consistent presence in your children’s lives.

And, that is important to remember. It’s way too soon to know whether this job is so demanding that it requires him to relocate.

If your anxiety persists, perhaps you may want to explore with a therapist what is fueling your fears.  I only wish to point out how excessive worrying hurts your emotional or mental well-being.

If would be preferable to put your energies into working on yourself and figuring out ways to ease your distress rather than put significant time, money, and energy into preventing an outcome that may never come to pass.

Understandably, you goal is to ensure your children’s stability and security, but at the same time, be careful you don’t unnecessarily cause them worry either.

Most children are well aware of any changes noted in their parent’s behavior or communications.  If either of your children sense discomfort or apprehension on your part, chances are, whether spoken or unspoken it will affect them too.

And, if your children withhold their thoughts or feelings, it doesn’t mean they haven’t noticed a difference in your demeanor.

It is possible their silence may reflect a wish to protect you.  However, they would also be misinterpreting what they see, and that could lead to inaccurate conclusions on their part.

Having said all of that, my hope is that you will proceed slowly.  It may be wise to consult with an attorney to know your rights and gather all the necessary facts and information.

Or, you may consider meeting with your ex-husband to discuss your concerns before any action is taken. At least this would demonstrate an effort to co-parent rather than act unilaterally.

For instance, are you currently using Family Wizard to coordinate your co-parenting schedules? (www.familywizard.com) ?

If not this website might alleviate some of your concerns as it would enable each of you to keep track of the children through the calendar, message board, journal, plus all the other features offered.

Best of all, it may facilitate a better working relationship between the two of you by getting the children out of the middle and making their lives more secure.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

Who feels it more? Parents or Children?

Sleep away camp is supposed to be a wonderful and fun-filled experience. Yet, some children find the adventure far less enjoyable.

Why? In part, it may depend on how well you have prepared your child for this adventure; especially if this is your child’s first time away from you.

You need to talk with your child about his or her feelings; which includes your child’s excitement and positive feelings but also his or her scared or anxious feelings too.

Most likely, all of them are going on inside your child’s mind.

Sleep away camp is exciting but for younger or first time campers, expect some discomfort attached to going away.

Once your child is away at camp he or she does not have you to rely on; whether to offer a hug, say consoling words, or share a favorite snack.

Chances are, your child will have a wonderful and caring counselor, but it cannot replace your presence.

So, be understanding if your child experiences moments of homesickness.

Going away to camp enables a child to learn about self-reliance and camaraderie in a supportive and structured environment.

Children learn new facets about themselves. They must handle relationships as well as handle conflicts without parental guidance.

Part of this occurs through learning to live among non-family members, plus cooperate with cabin mates by performing chores or playing games they may dislike.

Some parents find it easier to accept this time apart, recalling their own nostalgic childhood memories attending camp.

However, there are other parents who have a harder time accepting their child’s separation for a variety of reasons.

If your child’s departure date is creating discomfort and apprehension for you, be aware your feeling could be misinterpreted in your child’s mind.

If you suspect this, don’t deny or ignore the situation.  Do talk about your feelings; but using age appropriate words.

It is natural to be thinking about how much you will miss your son or daughter because you love them.

But, don’t make them feel as if they are deserting you or that separating is too painful.

Otherwise, this could prompt feelings of guilt and make it harder for your child to feel comfortable leaving, which would defeat the purpose for sending your child away to summer camp.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

1. Know your own involvement, behavior, and attitude regarding electronic devices.
   1. How does your child view your relationship with these devices?
   2. Could your child be modeling your actions ?
2. Adult and teen cell phone, Internet, and texting privileges are not equal.
   1. You can cross these boundaries (read their texts, I M’s)
   2. Display consistency in your words and how you discipline.
3. Adult and teen cell phone, Internet, and texting privileges are not equal.
   1. You can cross these boundaries (read their texts, I M’s)
   2. Display consistency in your words and how you discipline.
   3. Acknowledge your child’s anger, frustration, and refusal to listen.
4. Teach your child by your example that anger is acceptable, it just has to be expressed properly.
   1. Attacking you with words or ignoring your requests is inappropriate.
   2. Words can be like weapons as they can inflict pain and hurt.
   3. Use “I” statements and state your feelings. For example, “I feel ____________
   4. Don’t let your child manipulate you by making promises in the future; or it won’t happen again, or blaming it on a sibling.
5. Be prepared to exercise limit setting and enforce consequences.
6. Maintain flexible but realistic and consistent boundaries.
7. How well does your child manage his/her frustration, disappointment, and/or anger?
8. Self-regulation, self-discipline, and tolerating frustration and becoming resilient are important keys for later success in life.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

Don’t lose your Cool with your kids

We all look forward to the carefree days of summer.  Children and parents alike welcome the break from the weekly routine of school, extracurricular and other important activities.  And, yet, for some the lack of a definite schedule is unsettling.

Understandably, a change in one’s routine can be anxiety producing.   Whether your child has a set summer routine, such as attending day camp, or if your child remains home under your care; regardless, when the unexpected occurs and disrupts the order in your life how do you cope?

It could be as mundane as a play date falling through, work unexpectedly needing your presence at an inopportune time, or the babysitter letting you down.  When what you expect to happen goes awry and your stress levels keeps rising as you worry about adequately juggling all the demands in your life; can you keep your cool, or do you find your own temperature rising to the point of no return?

If you do lose your cool; don’t ignore or dismiss it. You need to first acknowledge to yourself it happened and it is alright to get frustrated.    If you were raised where feelings were to be ignored, you are likely to dismiss what is happening to yourself.   But, that doesn’t resolve the problems.

In fact, often times, it may even make the situation worse. Moreover, this is the time to undo the past as it will feel both liberating and beneficial.   Yes, you may need to let your family know you momentarily over reacted. As humans we are hard wired to display a range of feelings – including disappointment, annoyance, and anger.  However, the goal is to be able to express these uncomfortable feelings within the spectrum that is appropriate not inappropriate.

Face it, our parents did not have nearly the parenting resources we now have at our fingertips once we connect to the internet. It is natural by default to revert back to what is either familiar or what was witnessed growing up.   However, bad role modeling is not what you want to hold onto and repeat.

Rather, now is the time to learn how to break the pattern so your leisure time can be savored and enjoyed.   Before you know it, summer will be over and so will this opportunity to connect in ways that enable all of you to happily remember for a lifetime.

Till Next Time

Andrea