A letter from Concerned..
Dear Concerned,
Before I get into the heart of your letter, I would like to compliment you first, by pointing out a positive aspect of your letter. Based on your question it appears you and your ex husband have been able to co-parent rather well; putting aside painful personal feelings from the past and acting in the best interest of your children. Being able to accomplish that is commendable, as it is not always easy to do.
Psychologically, one of the most damaging consequences for children of divorce is witnessing ongoing parental conflict. This only creates misunderstandings, confusion, loyalty conflicts, plus resentment, anger, feelings of sadness and loss. Additionally, when erratic and unpredictable parental relationships start to occur, it negatively impacts a child’s well-being, self-esteem, plus peer and other relationships.
Of course, your worry and concern is understandable. But, it would help to learn how to calm yourself down and not let such thoughts and feelings get the best of you. Remember, nothing is going to change immediately. I caution you to stay in the here and now and be present focused rather than imagine worst case scenarios. This is important. Your ex-husband has stated his plan which is to commute. So far; he has been a reliable and consistent presence in your children’s lives. And, that is important to remember. It’s way too soon to know whether this job is so demanding that it requires him to relocate.
If your anxiety persists, perhaps you may want to explore with a therapist what is fueling your fears. I only wish to point out how excessive worrying hurts your emotional or mental well-being. If would be preferable to put your energies into working on yourself and figuring out ways to ease your distress rather than put significant time, money, and energy into preventing an outcome that may never come to pass.
Understandably, you goal is to ensure your children’s stability and security, but at the same time, be careful you don’t unnecessarily cause them worry either. Most children are well aware of any changes noted in their parent’s behavior or communications. If either of your children sense discomfort or apprehension on your part, chances are, whether spoken or unspoken it will affect them too. And, if your children withhold their thoughts or feelings, it doesn’t mean they haven’t noticed a difference in your demeanor. It is possible their silence may reflect a wish to protect you. However, they would also be misinterpreting what they see, and that could lead to inaccurate conclusions on their part.
Having said all of that, my hope is that you will proceed slowly. It may be wise to consult with an attorney to know your rights and gather all the necessary facts and information. Or, you may consider meeting with your ex-husband to discuss your concerns before any action is taken. At least this would demonstrate an effort to co-parent rather than act unilaterally. For instance, are you currently using Family Wizard to coordinate your co-parenting schedules? (www.familywizard.com) ? If not this website might alleviate some of your concerns as it would enable each of you to keep track of the children through the calendar, message board, journal, plus all the other features offered. Best of all, it may facilitate a better working relationship between the two of you by getting the children out of the middle and making their lives more secure.
COLLEGE GRAD’S RETURNING HOME – AN ADJUSTMENT FOR PARENTS TOO
Many college graduates are returning back home to live after graduation. Why?
Primarily, it is an economical necessity for the family until your graduate finds the right job.
Although this idea may not be what was anticipated prior to graduation; the current economic downturn has prompted parents to be practical and realistic.
Although returning home may be a financial necessity, it doesn’t have to viewed negatively, or as a step backwards.
However, coming home does require some re-negotiating of various house hold issues; whether it pertains to helping to care for the house, sharing a car, or if younger siblings are still living in the house, being available to assist.
But is also requires respecting each other’s need for privacy, leisure time, and his or her social life.
Hopefully, the twenty-something young adult who is returning home is far more mature and independent today.
If you have done your job well-enough, your graduate should appreciate all that you have given and is grateful to return to a loving home during this period of uncertainty, disappointment or transition.
Coming home may be the best option for your graduate now, despite your young adult imagining it’s the worst.
If you can stay present-focused, offer advice when asked, plus acknowledge feelings (without trying to take over or tell your young adult what he or she should or shouldn’t do) in regards to his or her career and/or personal choices, then your college graduate will gain an invaluable life lesson from you.
Till next time
Dr Andrea Corn
www.DrAndreaCorn.com
http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn
SLEEP AWAY CAMP and SEPARATION –ANXIETY – Who feels it more? Parents or Children?
Who feels it more? Parents or Children?
Sleep away camp is supposed to be a wonderful and fun-filled experience. Yet, some children find the adventure far less enjoyable.
Why? In part, it may depend on how well you have prepared your child for this adventure; especially if this is your child’s first time away from you.
You need to talk with your child about his or her feelings; which includes your child’s excitement and positive feelings but also his or her scared or anxious feelings too.
Most likely, all of them are going on inside your child’s mind.
Sleep away camp is exciting but for younger or first time campers, expect some discomfort attached to going away.
Once your child is away at camp he or she does not have you to rely on; whether to offer a hug, say consoling words, or share a favorite snack.
Chances are, your child will have a wonderful and caring counselor, but it cannot replace your presence.
So, be understanding if your child experiences moments of homesickness.
Going away to camp enables a child to learn about self-reliance and camaraderie in a supportive and structured environment.
Children learn new facets about themselves. They must handle relationships as well as handle conflicts without parental guidance.
Part of this occurs through learning to live among non-family members, plus cooperate with cabin mates by performing chores or playing games they may dislike.
Some parents find it easier to accept this time apart, recalling their own nostalgic childhood memories attending camp.
However, there are other parents who have a harder time accepting their child’s separation for a variety of reasons.
If your child’s departure date is creating discomfort and apprehension for you, be aware your feeling could be misinterpreted in your child’s mind.
If you suspect this, don’t deny or ignore the situation. Do talk about your feelings; but using age appropriate words.
It is natural to be thinking about how much you will miss your son or daughter because you love them.
But, don’t make them feel as if they are deserting you or that separating is too painful.
Otherwise, this could prompt feelings of guilt and make it harder for your child to feel comfortable leaving, which would defeat the purpose for sending your child away to summer camp.
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times
“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. ”
Charles Dicken’s famous opening line from “A Tale of Two Cities” could be applied to highlight the two ends of the spectrum parents experience navigating the world of social networking with their tween and teens.
While we are born wired to express ourselves and be understood by looking, holding, and speaking, this generation uses electronic gadgetry to feel connected.
This contrasts with how we become attached from birth, when it is less about specific words and more about reading the baby’s non-verbal cues to create feelings of safety, security, and feeling cared for.
While electronics have immeasurably expanded the boundaries of our interpersonal world, a disconnect occurs when intangibles such as voice inflection, emotions, and facial expressions and body language are absent.
TIPS FOR PARENTS HANDLING TWEEN’S:
TIPS FOR PARENTS HANDLING TWEEN’S
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Dr Andrea Corn
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