Dr Andrea Corn's Blog

Summer Heat, Cool Tempers

DocACorn — Fri, 28 May 2010 02:44:26 +0000

Summer Temperatures Heat up;

Don’t lose your Cool with your kids

We all look forward to the carefree days of summer. Children and parents alike welcome the break from the weekly routine of school, extracurricular and other important activities. And, yet, for some the lack of a definite schedule is unsettling.

Understandably, a change in one’s routine can be anxiety producing. Whether your child has a set summer routine, such as attending day camp, or if your child remains home under your care; regardless, when the unexpected occurs and disrupts the order in your life how do you cope?

It could be as mundane as a play date falling through, work unexpectedly needing your presence at an inopportune time, or the babysitter letting you down. When what you expect to happen goes awry and your stress levels keeps rising as you worry about adequately juggling all the demands in your life; can you keep your cool, or do you find your own temperature rising to the point of no return?

If you do lose your cool; don’t ignore or dismiss it. You need to first acknowledge to yourself it happened and it is alright to get frustrated. If you were raised where feelings were to be ignored, you are likely to dismiss what is happening to yourself. But, that doesn’t resolve the problems.

In fact, often times, it may even make the situation worse. Moreover, this is the time to undo the past as it will feel both liberating and beneficial. Yes, you may need to let your family know you momentarily over reacted. As humans we are hard wired to display a range of feelings – including disappointment, annoyance, and anger. However, the goal is to be able to express these uncomfortable feelings within the spectrum that is appropriate not inappropriate.

Face it, our parents did not have nearly the parenting resources we now have at our fingertips once we connect to the internet. It is natural by default to revert back to what is either familiar or what was witnessed growing up. However, bad role modeling is not what you want to hold onto and repeat.

Rather, now is the time to learn how to break the pattern so your leisure time can be savored and enjoyed. Before you know it, summer will be over and so will this opportunity to connect in ways that enable all of you to happily remember for a lifetime.

Till Next Time

Andrea

Tweens, Texting, and Parenting – don’t lose your real connection

DocACorn — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 15:44:32 +0000

While there is a comfort factor in knowing you can be key strokes away from being in touch with your tween or teen whenever needed; yet the concern I wish to express to parents is to be aware that allowing your youngsters greater and greater reliance on texting and less on the art of actual conversation, may negatively impact your parenting. Face to face conversation with parents involve listening to not only your words, but also the emotions and sometimes intentional intonations behind your message. With texting, (as well email), sometimes the real feelings end up being misunderstood or completely lost because reading words cannot be equated with hearing, seeing, and understanding you in that moment.
Yes, we have become a society hooked on our digital technology for all it offers our finger tips at phenomenal speeds. However, such split second artifically creates the idea that conversations should be quick and brief.
Parents, please do not lose sight of what may be considered “old school” or even “old fashioned”, but there will be times when you need to take the necessary amount of time to engage in face to face interactions, where pausing, reflecting on your thoughts and feelings, or even struggling at times to find the right words or share your feelings is not easy. Yet, it also demonstrate the intensity and probably importance of the moment. If you find your conversations occurring with more frequency on a flat screen in short hand lingo, you have only yourself to blame.
Parents, don’t lose sight of the necessity for real and meaningful conversations where one or both sides may struggle – struggle to say what needs to be said, yet take the time to talk it out and work it through. Even these moments are important in teaching your son or daughter this occurs will occur; even when offering your advice, knowledge, and lived experience, as well as your need to be a disciplinarian. The concern I am expressing is the decline in knowing how to talk to another. Kids need to have their parents role model how to engage in reasonable or civil conversation, to respect one another’s feelings, and to be able to handle disagreements, disappointments, as well as appropriately assert oneself so bad behavior or inappropriate interactions that we have read about and witnessed in our communities and others don’t escalate to cause embarassement, to shame, or even unspeakable harm.

Using Tiger Woods Apology as a Teaching Moment for your Chiild

DocACorn — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:56:07 +0000

Chances are, your son or daughter has already heard Tiger’s remarks, or heard their parent or another person (spouse, significant other, teacher, friend, neighbor, etc.,) discuss his Friday TV and radio interview. After making his 13 1/2 minute apology, have you taken time to use this as a teaching opportunity?
By that, I mean, have you asked your son or daughter his or her thoughts about a famous athlete apologizing to the public for bending the rules, thinking they did not apply to him in his marital life.
Before you even comment on the factual information contained in your child’s remark, try to focus first on his or her emotional reaction. This would be most important especially if you find yourself reacting in a manner than causes you to feel upset, confused, or disappointed. What will be necessary then is to discern what your child is primarily responding to? Is it that he or she thinks the apology erases the inappropriate behavior? It’s over and no big deal. Or, is your child’s response based on what he or she has heard peers say at school; thus affecting or negating his or her own viewpoint? What if your child is identifying in some way with Tiger, hoping that a public confession will exonerate him if caught for wrongdoing. In other words, if your child misbehaves (not in the same way as Tiger, of course!), but will his or her confession enable your child to escape any further humiliation or punishment? Will be there be genuine remorse? What consequences remain in place? What has your child ultimately learned?
What I am trying to propose to parents, is not to focus exclusively on what Tiger did or how he came across during his confessional speech, but have you been able to use this moment as a positive learning experience so your child is given the opportunity to express his or her views, to possibly explore the differences between the spoken words, past deeds, and future behavior.
Having these kinds of open communications will go much further in strengthening the bonds between each of you. After all, it is unlikely that Tiger’s behavior is going to impact your life. But, we do live in a society where hear and see mixed messages.
In the end, your son and daughter may be more positively impacted by your willingness to talk about a difficult topic without dismissing, ignoring, or avoiding this current hot topic.

s that we live in a society where there are mixed messages. Tiger has already disgraced himself by his own arrogance and believing social and marital rules did not apply to him. Despite his phenomenal prowess and success as being known as the world’s best golfer, how he has conducted himself up until now has both on and off the links has shown us another side to his character, and hopefully one you’d rather not see your children emulate.

What Should I Say To My Child About Sports Tragedies?

DocACorn — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 22:48:48 +0000

Parents may wonder what to say to their youngsters, if asked, about the tragic death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumariktashuili. As families from around the US and possibly other countries watched the opening ceremonies, they were presented with this terribly stunning and heart breaking news. Such an incident seemed unimaginable, knowing these talented athletes had prepared for years for this event. Regardless, this life ending tragic accident has raised questions about this Olympic Luge course.

However, the purpose of this blog is to help parents respond to their son or daughter if he or she asks questions about this horrible event. Depending upon developmental age and stage of your child, your response will vary. Without getting into specifics at this point, what is most important is to be keenly aware of your child’s reaction. This will help you know what to say. Along with paying attention to your child’s question, try and be mindful of his or her non verbal communications, which includes voice tone (anxiety, curiosity, or fear), body language, and/or behavior (such as waking up in the middle of the night due to having a nightmare.)

Your child could surprise you by raising a thoughtful or poignant question, wondering aloud why did did such a this happen? Or, could I die playing (fill in the blank) sports? Younger children will insert themselves in the question, whereas older children are better able to shift perspectives and reveal their thoughts and feelings about the terrible event. Still, it is helpful if you can enable your youngster to see the differences between what is probable vs. what is actually possible (for example, lightening may strike, but the possibility of it striking you is considerably smaller). The main emphasis at this point will be to answer your child’s question simply, directly, and honestly.

Just remember, if you child starts asking you about this tragic incident, focus on your child’s feelings first, (be it anxious, scared, or sad) before answering his or her question directly; because comforting and soothing should take precedent. Hearing frightening news an be very scary. Your child needs your reassurance in order to feel his or her world is a safe place. By alleviating your child’s fears, you have given your child what is most important, and that is the sense of felt emotinal security.