Dear Concerned,

Before I get into the heart of your letter, I would like to compliment you first, by pointing out a positive aspect of your letter.

Based on your question it appears you and your ex husband have been able to co-parent rather well; putting aside painful personal feelings from the past and acting in the best interest of your children. Being able to accomplish that is commendable, as it is not always easy to do.

Psychologically, one of the most damaging consequences for children of divorce is witnessing ongoing parental conflict.  This only creates misunderstandings, confusion, loyalty conflicts, plus resentment, anger, feelings of sadness and loss.

Additionally, when erratic and unpredictable parental relationships start to occur, it negatively impacts a child’s well-being, self-esteem, plus peer and other relationships.

Of course, your worry and concern is understandable. But, it would help to learn how to calm yourself down and not let such thoughts and feelings get the best of you. Remember, nothing is going to change immediately.

I caution you to stay in the here and now and be present focused rather than imagine worst case scenarios. This is important.

Your ex-husband has stated his plan which is to commute.  So far; he has been a reliable and consistent presence in your children’s lives.

And, that is important to remember. It’s way too soon to know whether this job is so demanding that it requires him to relocate.

If your anxiety persists, perhaps you may want to explore with a therapist what is fueling your fears.  I only wish to point out how excessive worrying hurts your emotional or mental well-being.

If would be preferable to put your energies into working on yourself and figuring out ways to ease your distress rather than put significant time, money, and energy into preventing an outcome that may never come to pass.

Understandably, you goal is to ensure your children’s stability and security, but at the same time, be careful you don’t unnecessarily cause them worry either.

Most children are well aware of any changes noted in their parent’s behavior or communications.  If either of your children sense discomfort or apprehension on your part, chances are, whether spoken or unspoken it will affect them too.

And, if your children withhold their thoughts or feelings, it doesn’t mean they haven’t noticed a difference in your demeanor.

It is possible their silence may reflect a wish to protect you.  However, they would also be misinterpreting what they see, and that could lead to inaccurate conclusions on their part.

Having said all of that, my hope is that you will proceed slowly.  It may be wise to consult with an attorney to know your rights and gather all the necessary facts and information.

Or, you may consider meeting with your ex-husband to discuss your concerns before any action is taken. At least this would demonstrate an effort to co-parent rather than act unilaterally.

For instance, are you currently using Family Wizard to coordinate your co-parenting schedules? (www.familywizard.com) ?

If not this website might alleviate some of your concerns as it would enable each of you to keep track of the children through the calendar, message board, journal, plus all the other features offered.

Best of all, it may facilitate a better working relationship between the two of you by getting the children out of the middle and making their lives more secure.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

What is the one area of self-improvement you would like to create for yourself in 2011?

Are you ready and willing to say to yourself, I want to make this change?

Do you have faith in yourself?  Can you envision yourself achieving this transformation?

In order to succeed, you first need to believe.

Making a personal change is not easy, but it isn’t impossible either.

Pick something fairly easy at first, that you feel you can master.

Try not to set yourself up by expecting to make a change that is unrealistic.

In order to make the effort, you must be mindful and think about what you are going to do differently.

You will also need to show determination and not give up.

Sometimes it is hard to sustain will power, but as long as you don’t give in to won’t or can’t power and are patient and supportive, you are headed in the right direction to accomplish your goal.

Till Next Time

Andrea

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

However, the purpose of this blog is to help parents respond to their son or daughter if he or she asks questions about this horrible event.  Depending upon developmental age and stage of your child, your response will vary. Without getting into specifics at this point, what is most important is to be keenly aware of your child’s reaction.  This will help you  know what to say.  Along with paying attention to your child’s question, try and be mindful of his or her non verbal communications, which includes voice tone (anxiety, curiosity, or fear), body language, and/or behavior (such as waking up in the middle of the night due to having a nightmare.)

Your child could surprise you by raising a  thoughtful or poignant question, wondering aloud why did did such a this happen? Or, could I die playing (fill in the blank) sports?    Younger children will insert themselves in the question, whereas older children are better able to shift perspectives and reveal their thoughts and feelings about the terrible event.  Still, it is helpful if you can enable your youngster to see the differences between what is probable vs. what is actually possible (for example, lightening may strike, but the possibility of it striking you is considerably smaller).  The main emphasis at this point will be to answer your child’s question simply, directly, and honestly.

Just remember, if you child starts asking you about this tragic incident, focus on your child’s feelings first, (be it anxious, scared, or sad) before answering his or her question directly; because comforting  and soothing should take precedent.  Hearing frightening news an be very scary.   Your child needs your reassurance in order to feel his or her world is a safe place.   By alleviating your child’s fears, you have given your child what is most important, and that is the sense of felt emotinal security.