A letter from Concerned..
Dear Concerned,
Before I get into the heart of your letter, I would like to compliment you first, by pointing out a positive aspect of your letter. Based on your question it appears you and your ex husband have been able to co-parent rather well; putting aside painful personal feelings from the past and acting in the best interest of your children. Being able to accomplish that is commendable, as it is not always easy to do.
Psychologically, one of the most damaging consequences for children of divorce is witnessing ongoing parental conflict. This only creates misunderstandings, confusion, loyalty conflicts, plus resentment, anger, feelings of sadness and loss. Additionally, when erratic and unpredictable parental relationships start to occur, it negatively impacts a child’s well-being, self-esteem, plus peer and other relationships.
Of course, your worry and concern is understandable. But, it would help to learn how to calm yourself down and not let such thoughts and feelings get the best of you. Remember, nothing is going to change immediately. I caution you to stay in the here and now and be present focused rather than imagine worst case scenarios. This is important. Your ex-husband has stated his plan which is to commute. So far; he has been a reliable and consistent presence in your children’s lives. And, that is important to remember. It’s way too soon to know whether this job is so demanding that it requires him to relocate.
If your anxiety persists, perhaps you may want to explore with a therapist what is fueling your fears. I only wish to point out how excessive worrying hurts your emotional or mental well-being. If would be preferable to put your energies into working on yourself and figuring out ways to ease your distress rather than put significant time, money, and energy into preventing an outcome that may never come to pass.
Understandably, you goal is to ensure your children’s stability and security, but at the same time, be careful you don’t unnecessarily cause them worry either. Most children are well aware of any changes noted in their parent’s behavior or communications. If either of your children sense discomfort or apprehension on your part, chances are, whether spoken or unspoken it will affect them too. And, if your children withhold their thoughts or feelings, it doesn’t mean they haven’t noticed a difference in your demeanor. It is possible their silence may reflect a wish to protect you. However, they would also be misinterpreting what they see, and that could lead to inaccurate conclusions on their part.
Having said all of that, my hope is that you will proceed slowly. It may be wise to consult with an attorney to know your rights and gather all the necessary facts and information. Or, you may consider meeting with your ex-husband to discuss your concerns before any action is taken. At least this would demonstrate an effort to co-parent rather than act unilaterally. For instance, are you currently using Family Wizard to coordinate your co-parenting schedules? (www.familywizard.com) ? If not this website might alleviate some of your concerns as it would enable each of you to keep track of the children through the calendar, message board, journal, plus all the other features offered. Best of all, it may facilitate a better working relationship between the two of you by getting the children out of the middle and making their lives more secure.
New Year, how about a New You?
New Year, how about a New You?
What is the one area of self-improvement you would like to create for yourself in 2011?
What Should I Say To My Child About Sports Tragedies?
Parents may wonder what to say to their youngsters, if asked, about the tragic death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumariktashuili. As families from around the US and possibly other countries watched the opening ceremonies, they were presented with this terribly stunning and heart breaking news. Such an incident seemed unimaginable, knowing these talented athletes had [...]
Dr Andrea Corn
Facebook
-
