Hearing reports about tropical storms brewing out in the Atlantic that potentially could become the next hurricane can lodge in a child’s mind and exacerbate his or her fears.

Here are some thoughts on how you may help your child during the hurricane season in South Florida.

Young children’s fears often arise when information heard is abstract and therefore, not fully understood.

Children are very eager to learn about the world around them, but they need help to make sense of the information presented.

Children under the age of eight often cannot grasp complex concepts.

Thus, hearing about a tropical storm thousands of miles away that has the potential to change into a hurricane is beyond his or her cognitive ability.

Your child may know what it’s like to be in a thunderstorm, but that does not fully explain the power of a hurricane.

Moreover, your child may be thinking about this event in very personal terms; wondering could these strong winds and pounding rain could personally affect his or her immediate surrounding and family.

It your find your child asking the same questions over and over without satisfaction, chances are your youngster is anxious. In that case, it would be best to first reassure and comfort your child before providing factual answers.

It’s not the question that causes his or her worry, rather it is the unspoken thoughts or feelings that are disturbing.  It would be best to acknowledge your child’s apprehension and let them know it is ok.

By reassuring your child, you are actually reducing his or her fear by speaking about its presence. Ironically, talking about what is scary can actually bring relief.

But, if you find your child is still uneasy, then you need to find out if something else is weighing on your child’s mind.   Otherwise, it may just take a little longer than anticipated for the worry to dissipate.

Some children may remain anxious because they’ve picked up some verbal or nonverbal cues from their mother or father.

Besides letting your child know you will do everything necessary to protect your home, townhome, condo, or apt. paying attention to your youngster’s non-verbal communication is critically important.

And, if you can relay your words in soothing way without getting exasperated, this too will help create an atmosphere of safety.  Your child needs to know it is ok to share innermost thoughts, feelings, as well as fantasies.

This can also help your child realize there is a difference between what is real and unreal.

One last idea may be to allow your child to participate in simple hurricane preparations.  Letting your child put the peanut butter in the grocery cart, to using a tracking map to physically document the next storm may decrease anxiety and create a greater sense of personal control.

Whether your child fears hurricanes or other weather-related events helping your youngster develop ways to appropriately cope is teaching a valuable life lesson.

There will always be storms we must weather in life, whether actual or metaphorical.

Knowing that it is safe to discuss and share one’s feelings is important.

Once this lesson is learned, the better your child will fare.  A reassuring word, comforting gesture, or hug can make all the difference as you let your child know you are there to comfort and soothe his or her fears which is actually more powerful than you may realize.

For additional information and practical tips, check out Fema’s website: www. fema.gov/kids)

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

Dear Concerned,

Before I get into the heart of your letter, I would like to compliment you first, by pointing out a positive aspect of your letter.

Based on your question it appears you and your ex husband have been able to co-parent rather well; putting aside painful personal feelings from the past and acting in the best interest of your children. Being able to accomplish that is commendable, as it is not always easy to do.

Psychologically, one of the most damaging consequences for children of divorce is witnessing ongoing parental conflict.  This only creates misunderstandings, confusion, loyalty conflicts, plus resentment, anger, feelings of sadness and loss.

Additionally, when erratic and unpredictable parental relationships start to occur, it negatively impacts a child’s well-being, self-esteem, plus peer and other relationships.

Of course, your worry and concern is understandable. But, it would help to learn how to calm yourself down and not let such thoughts and feelings get the best of you. Remember, nothing is going to change immediately.

I caution you to stay in the here and now and be present focused rather than imagine worst case scenarios. This is important.

Your ex-husband has stated his plan which is to commute.  So far; he has been a reliable and consistent presence in your children’s lives.

And, that is important to remember. It’s way too soon to know whether this job is so demanding that it requires him to relocate.

If your anxiety persists, perhaps you may want to explore with a therapist what is fueling your fears.  I only wish to point out how excessive worrying hurts your emotional or mental well-being.

If would be preferable to put your energies into working on yourself and figuring out ways to ease your distress rather than put significant time, money, and energy into preventing an outcome that may never come to pass.

Understandably, you goal is to ensure your children’s stability and security, but at the same time, be careful you don’t unnecessarily cause them worry either.

Most children are well aware of any changes noted in their parent’s behavior or communications.  If either of your children sense discomfort or apprehension on your part, chances are, whether spoken or unspoken it will affect them too.

And, if your children withhold their thoughts or feelings, it doesn’t mean they haven’t noticed a difference in your demeanor.

It is possible their silence may reflect a wish to protect you.  However, they would also be misinterpreting what they see, and that could lead to inaccurate conclusions on their part.

Having said all of that, my hope is that you will proceed slowly.  It may be wise to consult with an attorney to know your rights and gather all the necessary facts and information.

Or, you may consider meeting with your ex-husband to discuss your concerns before any action is taken. At least this would demonstrate an effort to co-parent rather than act unilaterally.

For instance, are you currently using Family Wizard to coordinate your co-parenting schedules? (www.familywizard.com) ?

If not this website might alleviate some of your concerns as it would enable each of you to keep track of the children through the calendar, message board, journal, plus all the other features offered.

Best of all, it may facilitate a better working relationship between the two of you by getting the children out of the middle and making their lives more secure.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

1. Know your own involvement, behavior, and attitude regarding electronic devices.
   1. How does your child view your relationship with these devices?
   2. Could your child be modeling your actions ?
2. Adult and teen cell phone, Internet, and texting privileges are not equal.
   1. You can cross these boundaries (read their texts, I M’s)
   2. Display consistency in your words and how you discipline.
3. Adult and teen cell phone, Internet, and texting privileges are not equal.
   1. You can cross these boundaries (read their texts, I M’s)
   2. Display consistency in your words and how you discipline.
   3. Acknowledge your child’s anger, frustration, and refusal to listen.
4. Teach your child by your example that anger is acceptable, it just has to be expressed properly.
   1. Attacking you with words or ignoring your requests is inappropriate.
   2. Words can be like weapons as they can inflict pain and hurt.
   3. Use “I” statements and state your feelings. For example, “I feel ____________
   4. Don’t let your child manipulate you by making promises in the future; or it won’t happen again, or blaming it on a sibling.
5. Be prepared to exercise limit setting and enforce consequences.
6. Maintain flexible but realistic and consistent boundaries.
7. How well does your child manage his/her frustration, disappointment, and/or anger?
8. Self-regulation, self-discipline, and tolerating frustration and becoming resilient are important keys for later success in life.

Till next time

Dr Andrea Corn

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

http://www.facebook.com/DrAndreaCorn

F Fix your mind on helping your child enjoy his or her sporting experience.

U Understand this sport is what you child enjoys.  Be on the sidelines to offer cheers and support.

N No matter what, be constructive in your praise. This is your child’s time, not yours.

??

?

How long is your holiday shopping list this year?

Is it larger than you had hoped for?

Are you starting to feel the stress of what lies ahead despite your good intentions of wanting to be generous and thoughtful?

Despite your desire to be kind-hearted, if you find yourself feeling frazzled, tense, and worried about everyone else, then perhaps you are neglecting your own emotional needs.

Certainly, it is a joy to give to others, but don’t forget to find time to take care of yourself as well.

Till Next Time

Dr Andrea Corn

http://www.drandreacorn.com/

Where have most of the good manners gone?

A long time ago  (I believe) civility reigned.  Good manners were the norm, and children and adults participated in these daily rituals of being courteous to one another. 

 Saying “please” and  “thank you” or even “I’m sorry, while meaning it and looking that person in the eye occurred. 

I am saying this because those moments seem more distant and far away.   

I can’t pinpoint when it started to change or all the numerous factors that contributed to the decline, but what I see when I am in department stores, supermarkets, restaurants, sporting events, etc., makes me take notice and wonder.

I believe in the value and importance of good manners. 

 So, I’ll ask, “what can be done to re-kindle and raise awareness?”   

I’ll give my shout out to grandparents, parents, and adults to please take the lead. 

You can set the example by taking the time to display kindness, 

respect, and an under

standing to others that you would also like shown to you.   

Till Next Time

Andrea

www.DrAndreaCorn.com

Shaming:   One of the real culprits of bullying

Bullying is not a new phenomenon but in this era of faceless and nameless electronic communications, there seems to be an upsurge.   How come?  What has prompted this?  Well, let’s examine what we do know:   A bully can be of any age: whether a child, teen, or adult.  But, to qualify for this label, this individual must use his or her presence and physicality; speak using mean and hurtful words, or through the means of a laptop, phone, or computer screen use language, symbols, videotapes, etc. to inflict some kind of humiliation to mortification.   But, why…….

One reason for the increase witnessed in bullying (which has been raised in our collective conscience) is due to seeing or hearing verbal and/or physical aggression be successful.  So, sadly this kind of arrogant success is imitated. Whether it is done well by those with sharp tongues who bask in the spotlight or those whose bad behavior is witnessed by many, just the mere attention directed to these individuals promotes the feeling of entitlement as if such behaviors are justified.   Some do come away observing this verbal (more so than physical) assault is equated with being powerful and mighty rather than abusive or insensitive.

Children and teens have witnessed this portray by all kinds of adults on TV, youtube, face book, etc, whether it is politicians going at one another in a debate or highly charged paid political commercial, a tv star portraying a particular role, young men and women cast on a reality TV show reacting to an injustice, to professional athletes expressing their bravado to a reporter.   Over time, these behaviors are assimilated, copied, and then are emerge in a kaleidoscope of individual expressions representative of a child, teen, or adult.

What can realistically be done?   Simple, the answer has to start within the home.  It has to begin with the behaviors, communications, and messages modeled by the parents or caregivers.  In addition, parents and caregivers must teach empathy, tolerance, and this includes teaching how to put oneself in another’s shoes, rather than be the one stomping down on the others toes.  Until these adults are willing to stop and look at their own reactions and behaviors in all kinds of settings change will be hard to change.  Every day there are multiple opportunities to teach compassion, humility, and respect, just as much as every day opportunities exist to engage in inappropriate and bullying behaviors.   Children do make mental notes and knowingly and unknowingly repeat what they see their parents or caregivers do, especially in reaction to frustration and disappointment, when rudely addressed, treated with disrespect, or embarrassed in front of others.  

 So, it is unrealistic to think bullying will decrease any time soon in the lives of children and teens.  Bullies know the power inherent in shaming, as it has the capability to reduce another human being to feeling small, worthless, and inadequate while the other feels empowered and vindicated.  We need to help those who have been bullied to no longer be afraid, anxious, and stop hiding so this pattern can be changed.

Till Next Time

Andrea

Dr Andrea Corn

http://www.drandreacorn.com

Don’t lose your Cool with your kids

We all look forward to the carefree days of summer.  Children and parents alike welcome the break from the weekly routine of school, extracurricular and other important activities.  And, yet, for some the lack of a definite schedule is unsettling.

Understandably, a change in one’s routine can be anxiety producing.   Whether your child has a set summer routine, such as attending day camp, or if your child remains home under your care; regardless, when the unexpected occurs and disrupts the order in your life how do you cope?

It could be as mundane as a play date falling through, work unexpectedly needing your presence at an inopportune time, or the babysitter letting you down.  When what you expect to happen goes awry and your stress levels keeps rising as you worry about adequately juggling all the demands in your life; can you keep your cool, or do you find your own temperature rising to the point of no return?

If you do lose your cool; don’t ignore or dismiss it. You need to first acknowledge to yourself it happened and it is alright to get frustrated.    If you were raised where feelings were to be ignored, you are likely to dismiss what is happening to yourself.   But, that doesn’t resolve the problems.

In fact, often times, it may even make the situation worse. Moreover, this is the time to undo the past as it will feel both liberating and beneficial.   Yes, you may need to let your family know you momentarily over reacted. As humans we are hard wired to display a range of feelings – including disappointment, annoyance, and anger.  However, the goal is to be able to express these uncomfortable feelings within the spectrum that is appropriate not inappropriate.

Face it, our parents did not have nearly the parenting resources we now have at our fingertips once we connect to the internet. It is natural by default to revert back to what is either familiar or what was witnessed growing up.   However, bad role modeling is not what you want to hold onto and repeat.

Rather, now is the time to learn how to break the pattern so your leisure time can be savored and enjoyed.   Before you know it, summer will be over and so will this opportunity to connect in ways that enable all of you to happily remember for a lifetime.

Till Next Time

Andrea

However, the purpose of this blog is to help parents respond to their son or daughter if he or she asks questions about this horrible event.  Depending upon developmental age and stage of your child, your response will vary. Without getting into specifics at this point, what is most important is to be keenly aware of your child’s reaction.  This will help you  know what to say.  Along with paying attention to your child’s question, try and be mindful of his or her non verbal communications, which includes voice tone (anxiety, curiosity, or fear), body language, and/or behavior (such as waking up in the middle of the night due to having a nightmare.)

Your child could surprise you by raising a  thoughtful or poignant question, wondering aloud why did did such a this happen? Or, could I die playing (fill in the blank) sports?    Younger children will insert themselves in the question, whereas older children are better able to shift perspectives and reveal their thoughts and feelings about the terrible event.  Still, it is helpful if you can enable your youngster to see the differences between what is probable vs. what is actually possible (for example, lightening may strike, but the possibility of it striking you is considerably smaller).  The main emphasis at this point will be to answer your child’s question simply, directly, and honestly.

Just remember, if you child starts asking you about this tragic incident, focus on your child’s feelings first, (be it anxious, scared, or sad) before answering his or her question directly; because comforting  and soothing should take precedent.  Hearing frightening news an be very scary.   Your child needs your reassurance in order to feel his or her world is a safe place.   By alleviating your child’s fears, you have given your child what is most important, and that is the sense of felt emotinal security.