.special

. Going through a divorce is a painful process. For many

individuals, it requires not only mourning the loss of their actual

marriage, but also relinquishing fantasies that contain

unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

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"My divorce is over, but I'm still upset and depressed. How do I move on?"

It can be extraordinarily difficult to go forward in your life when you are bur­ dened by painful emotions that still tie you to the past. Going through a divorce is a painful process. For many individu­ als, it requires not only mourning the loss of their actual marriage, but also relinquishing fantasies that contain unfulfilled hopes and dreams. In other words, in order to fully accept your mar­ ital dissolution, you will undergo a peri­ od of mourning. In time, you will be able to accept your divorce as a necessary loss and appreciate your sadness as a normal and expectable reaction. Rather than judge your feelings as unwelcome intrusions, try and realize your heart and mind are telling you to take time to heal your emotional wounds. Gradually, these painful feelings (Le., anger, frus­ tration, blame, guilt, shame, etc.) will dissipate - but only to the extent you can be compassionate and accepting of yourself.

Otherwise, unresolved negative feel­ ings will remain. And at some point, it may seem as if you possess invisible walls that hold your sadness and anger in yet keep others at an emotional and physical distance. Be patient with your­ self. Everyone has their own timetable when it comes to matters of the heart. Rather than being self-critical, welcome this time as an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. As you attain greater per­ sonal self-acceptance, you will find yourself having an easier time allowing someone new into your life.

Dr. Andrea Com (APA, FPA, NAYS) is a senior clinical associate at Child & Family Associates in Ft. Lauderdale. For more than ten years, Dr. Com has spe­ cialized in helping parents and children

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of divorce. She is a member of the American PsychologicalAssociation and the Florida Psychological Association. Dr. Com is a contributing writer for South Florida Parenting Magazine and the NationalAlliance of Youth Sports.

"I want this divorce process to end, but it's dragging on because my spouse and I just can't agree on anything. What can I do?"

Every divorce is brought about by one of two methods: either the parties agree to the signing of a marital settlement agreement; or they proceed to trial before a judge who makes a judicial determination concerning the issues surrounding the divorce.

First, it's important that you fully understand what the issues and your rights are with respect to the various issues. The law can be quite clear on some points (particularly in the area of equitable distribution and child·support guidelines) and at a greater variance in others (particularly alimony). Make sure you aren't disagreeing in an area where the law is clear; if so, you could have your counsel provide his or her counsel (or your spouse, if he or she is pro se) with a copy of the statute or case law showing how he or she would not pre­ vail in court. Make sure you aren't the person who's misinterpreting or overes­ timating your rights. If it's an area of dis­ agreement concerning facts, such as the value of certain items, seek to have an appraiser provide an independent valu­ ation so that you could both agree in advance to have that issue resolved.

Make sure that your counsel under­ stands your desire to have the matter come to conclusion - be proactive and clear in setting forth your own specific goals to your counsel. Seek to simulta­ neously set the case "at issue for trial" to be put on a trial calendar, as well as

notice it for an early mediation. In that way, you are best assuring that the case will get resolved one way or the other. Use a Supreme Court certified family mediator, and one who is willing to set aside enough time to stay with the mediation to conclusion. Make sure that there are signatures on any agreements so that the case cannot unravel.

In addition, be prepared to make some concessions yourself in order to "close" the deal using a cost/benefit analysis with respect to the issues in dis­ pute. That is to say, calculate the cost to you (or perhaps you need to calculate the cost to your spouse) of litigating an issue versus the benefit of the particular item or advantage of winning the item in dispute.

Many times, someone is really reluc­ tant for closure on the issue of the divorce due to emotional reasons and will seek to find any reason to keep the dispute alive. That's when a reading of the serenity prayer can be helpful: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." Professional counseling could be of great assistance in resolving emotional issues.

Valerie Kanouse Balsama, Esq. practices family law in Boca Raton with Valerie G. Kanouse, P.A Dedicated to the peaceful resolution of marital problems, she has been advocating amicable divorces since the late '80s. She is a past recipient of the Florida Bar Family Law Section Award and the National Outstanding Woman AlumniAwardfrom the University of Notre Dame Law School.

"How can we divorce without hurting the kids?"

Remember that children inherently want to love both parents equally \\'irh­ our having to take sides. Children