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by DR. ANDREA CORN
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP
HELPING OUR CHilD get over a disappointing performance.
y;Uth sports participation teaches children manyvalu able life skills, but it can often be a painful process. If your child participates in sports long enough, there will be last-second shots missed, strikeouts in the bottom of the ninth inning or dropped touchdown passes. These things are part of playing sports. But sifting through the aftermath of a poor performance and repairing the hurt feel ings is part of being a youth sports parent.
Parents should think about what they can do to help their children and put aside any negative feelings they may have. By listening, parents can create an empathic space that can permit all the child's emotions and thoughts to come forth. At the same time, it's essential that parents address any dis played emotions and spoken words.
It's understandable that the young athlete might be crushed, but more important is how distraught the child is and how long the distress lasts. Some children may be dev ~tated or humiliated by their mistakes and can become
. msumed with self-criticism. Other children may react defensively and respond with frustration or rage. Sometimes, this is a method of protection against hearing the criticism or hurtful comments from others.
Parents should be attuned to the manner in which their children communicate distress. Did the child's voice quiver as if to hold back tremendous sadness? Was there anger in his facial expression? Was eye contact completely avoided? This is of the utmost importance, as it could be a clue as to what feeling is dominant.
From there, parents can appropriately respond to and acknowledge the emotion, be it sadness, anger, humiliation, and! or self-blame.
Many children are concrete thinkers, so they may inadver tently equate failure with being losers. Parents should help their young athletes separate their identities from a loss. Comforting and reassuring words can go a long way in soothing a child's bruised self. For instance, say something like, "I know you \vish the game could have ended different ly. I could see you were trying your hardest to help your team win. But sometimes, even one's best efforts can fall short. Knowing you tried your hardest is what is most important, and we're very proud of you."
Teaching a child how to handle adversity is a necessary and essential feature of playing sports. This starts by putting e loss in its proper perspective and helping the child L1D.derstand that winning and losing are part of participating
in sports. Over time, he will be able to better handle the loss and its accompanying emotions. An empathic and realistic acknowledgement works best, as the child will see his par ents as honest, trustworthy and dependable.
. Some parents - to protect their offspring - try to minimize the whole event. But this "coddling" can create an even more exaggerated reaction. Children may feel babied or upset that their feelings were ignored. As time goes on, they may tune out such unhelpful handling.
Parents also should appropriately contain their emotions be it frustration, disappointment, agitation, etc. Lashing out may induce a scenario where the child feels worse, since many kids identify their parents' reactions as signs of disap proval and rejection. Not only does this add to the child's dis tress, but imagine how terrible it feels to be in those smaller shoes at that moment. Over time, this can undermine desire, motivation and confidence to the point where the young athlete is no longer resilient and gives up on himself . Eventually, this leads to a lack of interest in playing sports.
By being understanding, parents can give their children the gift of knowing they are loved and cherished for who they are, not whether they are heroes or goats of a game.
Children should feel loved and accepted for trying their best, regardless of the outcome. At the youth sports level, children are learning how to accept defeat. Sometimes, it helps to frame the loss as an opportunity for improvement. After all, children who participate in youth sports will flour ish when they hear words of encouragement and support, whereas research consistently shows children are more like lyto drop out once it's no longer fun and they're subjected to constant criticism and disapproval.
Dr. Andrea Corn is in private practice at Child and Family PsychOlogists in Plantation, Fla. She is a member-of the American Psychological Association, the Florida Psychological Association and the National Association of Sports Psychologists.
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A child's risk of obesity doubles for every hour of television that is watched and drops 10 percent for every hour of exercise.
Source: University of Buffalo study
mllRe" IIIPRIl2004
