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family MATTERS
BY DR. ANDREA CORN
What shou Id I say?
MOTHER STRUGGLES WITH HER CH1LD'S FRIENDSHIP WITH A CHILD WHO IS RAISED BY A SAME-SEX COUPLE
Dear Dr. Corn: I want to do the right thing, but in this case, I am . not sure what that really is. My 6 year-old daughter is very friendly and outgoing.
| I • | She has many |
| ( | , | friends in h,er |
first-grade class, and I enjoy scheduling her play dates. Recently she has become friendly with a girl who moved here from out of state. One afternoon before dismissal, one of the other carpool moms informed me that this child is being'raised by a lesbian '!l0ther aild her same sex'partner. My daughter has told me she wants to play after school with her new friend, but I am unsure if I should let her go to this child's home to play. I am uncomfortable with the thought of discussing 'homosexuality with my child at her age., I don't know what to say if she starts asking questions about hoW her friend can have two mommies and no daddy. I am not
. sure how to proceed so I am interested in any advice you could offer.
The questions you raise are important and meaningful. In toelay's society, the definition of "family" can encompass a much broader and more diverse portrait than the traditional description of a fanii ly consisting of a mother, a father and children.
You should be acknowledged for want-
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| ( | J do what is best for your daughter |
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and what's right in this situation. Whatev er you do, you need to be true to yourself so you do not give mixed messages to your child. There is much more to this question than simply whether your daughter shoUld spend time playiIlg at her friend's home or yours.
Before delving into th'e heart of your question, it may be helpfulto first sepa rate myth from empirical data. The , 'American Psychological Association Pub lic Interest Directorate: Research Summa ry on Lesbian and Gay Parenting" references more than 20 y~ars of psycho logical and psychiatric research on the subject.
Extensive research led the American Psychiatric Association to remove homo sexuality from its list of mental disorders, stating: "Homosexuality per se implies no impairment in judgment, stability, relia bility, or general social or vocational capa bilities." (American Psychiatric Association, 1980). In 1975, the American Psychological Association adopted a simi lar stance and urged all mental health professionals to help dispel the stigma of mental illness that had long been associ ated with a I;tomosexual orientation.
Despite years of ongoing research, there is still much to learn about gay and les bian parents, as well as the impact of the family's diversity on their children. Exist ing data assert that children of lesbian mothers are likely to fare better when the mothers are psychologically healthy and
their lifestyle includes a partner who assists with child~care duties. Another finding is that same-sex couples are encouraged to reveal their sexual orienta tion before the child reaches adolescence, so secrecy does not have to permeate the child's life.
But let's address the issues presented in your question. Unlike heterosexual par ents and their children, sanle-sex parents and their children ate more likely to be subject to prejudicial beliefs. Some par ents will be understanding and accept
this situation, while other parents will ' believe the makeup of this fan1~ly is
wrong and immoral and keep their chil dren from becoming friends with this child. Since you have never met this mother, it seems your apprehension is more based on stereotypical beliefs than personal experience.
If this is a caring mother who has crimt ed a loving bond with her child and , raised her to be trustworthy, respectful and kind, your child in all likelihood is responding to her friend's positive charac ter traits. By the time this child is old enough to understand homosexuality, what matters most is whether she regards, ner mother as a good parent. One of the greatest iniluences a parent has is the ability to create a loving and nurturing home; this does not depend on whether a parent is gay or straight.
Regardless of your moral views on this subject, in fairness, you need to come to your own decision regarding this particu lar mother. Before setting any play date, I would suggest introducing yourself to this mother, just as I would with any instance where you would allow your child to
play at another child's home. Consider how you would go about meeting any other new mother and becoming comfort able with her. You may want to invite this child to your home for the children's first play date. You could watch the children's interactions and ask yourself: How well do they partake in cooperative play, turn taking, and sharing? These types of inter actions can guide you to consider
whether your daughter and her friend have the right ingredients to develop a
