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Stay-at-home dad can ease I ids' reaction to 'mom '5 '!vork
PSYCHOLOGICAE:
TESTINGFQR.
CHILDREN
~~ Specializing i~ - . f~~".r." Evaluations for;'
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Learning Disabilities |
ADHD • GiJted Dev,,]opmental Delay
Ami Flam Kuttler, Ph.D.
Li"."".cl Chiid Psychologist .P' 6538 4400 Sheridan St., Hollywood
954·881-1211
understandable that she would attempt to actively dissuade her mother from enter ing into tIlls magical twosome, At the same time, she's likely frustrated by the absence of her mother at times when her mother used to be available to her.
Remember, fantasy and play are a nor mal and integral part of your child's cog nitive development. You need to explain to her that her wish for an exclu,sive rela tionship with you cannot realistically happen. When you hear your daughter say she does not want mommy to join in your play ,-vith her, it is important for you to listen to what she has to say. Yet, at the, same time, be ready to address her feel ings and explain family roles at her cogni tive level.
I imagine your wife also wishes she had more time to enjoy being with her child. Since your daughter is most likely una'ware of what goes on inside of herself or her mother, she may become negative, or wish to lash out at her. It is very hard for your daughter to understand why her mother must leave and vie\vs it as aban donment and in her behavior, is telling her mother and you rather than in words, how she is feeling. In this case, your daughter Qay be both hurt ilJ."c! angry for her mother's decreased availability. and so she is intentionally trying to shut her out tc get back at her.
Sii}ce your daughter is tco young to full:' cr.mprehend '.\'h8.t she's feeling. it
' ... ill Dc up to you to teach her that being engry. n?gative or upsa~ is understandable and norma!. In short, you understand h8r mother's absence a"ci una"ailability is
Dear Dr. Corn: last year my wife was given a pro motion, which required us to relocate to South Florida from the Northeast. At the time, we agreed that my wife's job offered greater
opportunities for career advancement and finan cial growth. We felt it would be in the best interest of our daughter jf we reversed the tradi tional roles and I became the "stay at home dad." Fortunately, my work can be done primari ly online at home, while my appointments can be carried out during the time our child is at school. Now our daughter, who is almost 5, is not enthusiastic when her mother comes home in the evening. It is as if she resents having to share me with her mother, and our time together on weekends is starting to be especially problematic.
You have introduced several important themes that are impacting your marital reletionship, as we!! as your everyday family life. Foremost. you are learning on a dail:; basis, 'shat an a'.'.'esome responsi 1:i!ity it is to be the primary caregi\"er,
nut YGU are elso baing pulled between the demands of being a faUler and a husband,
Let's begin ",ith :'our relationsn.iF with ycur daughter. First. yeu need to K:.10\\· :'cur da:.:ght3{S ~:'jn'!~n5nts are nr:! tL~~lSt: al IN hP.f age and stgg" of de"eiopn13at. :-':. littL3 girl is ofri3!1 8e.gp-r ~') 3';?8!1d iTICre
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time with "her dacli:," as she basks in the ~1::1\}: :J{ lhi:: 3pE:cial relationship it i~
ake time to enjoy one another's company and don't forget to be considerate, respectful and understanding
of what each of you endures daily.
painful to her. Love and reassurance by mother does a lot to help, and mother's working does not mean she is less inter ested in her daughter's welfare. It ,,'{ill be both of your jobs to repetitively explain to your daughter the reasons for your fa.TD..i 1y's paren\ing arrangement.
You need to also share ""ith her that when she grows up she will have the opportunity to marry someone as wonder ful as her father. Beginning at this age, your daughter needs to be taught in words as well ~ by example that her mother and father's relationship has its own exclusivi ty and separateness. A father-daughter reiationship is wonderful, but it is also a different kind of love than the parents' relationship ,,,ith each other.
As you know, being a parent can be one life's greatest pleasures, but at times it
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can also be a source of stress and strain. Fur thermore. while you regard child-rearing as one of a farnih-'s most important tasks: the
changes that have taken place in your family life are having a profound L.-npact on you as well as your daughter. The fact that you are able to spend mOTe time at home enables your daughter to feel more closely connected and attached to you as her father.
You need to ·ta.k:e steps to ensure that you do not put your marital relationship on the back burner or give it less consid eration.
A closer father-daughter relationship should not mea.T1 a more distant husband wife relationship. There is a great deal of emotional satisfaction that comes from raising a child, but don't neglect attending to your wife's needs or ~ver time your marriage will suffer. At this point, it sounds like you are shouldering more of the day-to-day parenting responsibilities.
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Remember. each of ;ou needs to ake time out from one another, and at neglect to give each other ample emotional a.'ld ver bal support.
To the best ofyoUT ability. take time to enjoy one another's company and don't forget to be considerate, respectful and understanding of what each of you endures daily. I would also recommend finding huIDor in situations, as this ,\"ill help you survive through the more diffi cult times. Neither aIle of you could ha,'e foreseen the chanoes that would occur in your career and home situations. As long as you strive to maintain a balance between your roles as parents as well as a couple, you can reap the benefits of a ful filling fan1ily life,
Dr. Andrea Corn is a child and family psycholo gist in private practice in Plantation. She is a member of the American Psychological Associ ation and the Association for the Advancement of Sports Psychologists. You may write to her at cornpsyd@bellsouth.net.
