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BY DR. ANDREA CORN

Single parents,

don't take on more than you can do

Dear Dr. Corn: I have been a sin­ gle parent for the past two years and I find that my stress level starts to escalate in September. There is so much to do in getting the chil­ dren ready for

school, and I wony constantly about not having enough time and money. My fourth-grade daugh­ ter is very fashion-conscious, and she really wants to take dance classes after school with her friends. My son makes a big deal about

what shoes to buy and insists it makes a differ­ ence when he plays sports. I just don't know if I can give them as much as I imagined. At night I toss and turn worrying that I am not doing a

good enough job and it makes me feel terrible.

What you are going through is under­ standable. This time of year is usually associated with new beginnings for par­ ents and children and that's both exciting and demanding. Being pulled in several directions simultaneously cab. cause con­ siderable distress.

Before delving into ways tu cope with the external demands placed upon YOll uy your children. it is important to bp awartl of your own thoughts and feelings. Your mimlsel will affect how vuu interact v:ith your children.

If you find yourself fretting, feeling aIL,­ ious. and uecoming irritable hal'ing to manage all of these mattHrs. then you lllay need to take YOllr own time-{)llt tll think about \I'hat really mutters.

It's natura] that you are eagnr to prm'iLl" .i'"ur childrP'll with <IS IIllH'h a:< I'llli call -

whether extracurricular acti\'ities or cloth­ ing that allows them to feel "cool" and comfortable around other kids. However, when feelings of anxiety. guilt or regret start to dri\'e your behavior, then these negative feelings can also dictate your reactions. In other words, your parenting will suffer along with your self-esteem. My advice is to discuss this situation with either a trained professional or someone whose opinion you respect, to help you keep control of yourself as well as suc­ cessfully guide your children.

It is essential to be honest with yourself and your children and do not take on more than you are physically, emotionally or financially able to do. By being consis­ tent with your words you will provide

your son and daughter with a sense of security, which will be more valuable.than participating in an after­ school activity or possessing the latest fashions.

Know that you give with a genuine desire to enhance

their lives and not out of

guilt or fear that you are not

being a "good enough" single parent. Talking to your children about what is realistic for you within your time frame and budget can be beneficial --as can lis­ tening to their response. Even if you can­ not go along with their requests, you can still \'alidate their feelings and acknowl­ edge how much this means to them. There may be times when .I'OU can include them in the decision-making process. as this v.ill help them feel more like active participants in their ONn l1ves.

You ~:an teach l'Our ,:!Iilclwn n more

meaningful lesson if you pay careful attention to how you handle the interac­ tion, and not whetJ;J.er it worked out the way they had hoped. There will be times when you will have to help your child cope with frustration and disappointment. These are necessary experiences to under­ go and to accept as a part of ilie.

You have to know within your heart and mind that you have done the best you can. Don't expect your children to grasp this concept at their age; it is something that can only be internalized over time. I'm sure than from time to time yon will have to weather the slingshots of their insensitive and angry words when they don't get what they want Over the course of their growing-up years, as long as you

Provide what you can with a genuine desire to enhance your child's life - not out of fear that you are not a 'good enough' parent

are able to handle the majority of these tasks in a consistent, empathic and reli­ able manner, you will be able to build a solid foundation for your family that will be meaningful throughout their lives.

Dr. Andrea Com is a child and family psycholO­ gist in private practice in Plantation. She is a member of the American Psychological Associ­ ation and the Association for the Advancement of Applied Sports Psychologists. You may write to her at cornpsyd@bellsouth.net