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_family MATTERS

COPING WITH DIFFICULT PARENTING ISSUES

Lack of ti me and money not the rea I

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Issue

SINGLE MOM MUST LEARN TO LIVE WITHIN HER MEANS AND TEACH HER SON A VALUABLE LESSON, TOO

Dear Dr. Corn: I am a single par­ ent and I am growing more and more frustrated and disappointed in myself. ) am struggling to do the best I can as a loving; caririg mother, but I work

full time at a small business, and I can't be in all the places or do all the things that my 8· year-old son wants me to do, such as driving him to sports practice three times a week, or picking him up early from aftercare. I can't afford to buy him expensive running shoes, or for him to spend several hours on a weekend at Gameworks like his friends do. If only I had two incomes like my son's friends with both parents working, I'd be able to manage better. Right now I feel stuck, and don't know how to get out. of this rut. Worst of all, it is starting to take its toll on both of us. H,ELP!

It is easy to understand how you feel overwhelmed both emotionally and finan­ cially. Trying to juggle the responsibilities of being the primary caretaker and finan­ cial provider for yourself and your son is quite a task. Undoubtedly, your life is demanding on all fronts, and there just doesn't appear to be enough time or

102· SOUTH flORIDA PARENTING' www.sfparenting.com

income to alleviate your stress.

I would like to recommend another per­ spective to help you gain control emotion­ ally and cope better with your situation. My concern is that if you continue to feel this way, it's only going to become more difficult to pull yourself out of this emo­ tional rut.

First, I am glad to hear how much you value your r?le as a mother, and want to do the best possible job raising your son. Having said that, you need to stop making yourselfIeel guilty when you make com­ parisons that are unfair to you and your son, and instead focus on what is within your means and realistic for you.

As you start to accept your limitations, this will help you to teach yourson how to tolerate frustration and delay gratifica­ tion, He ,,\!ill follow your example, so if you can't exercise self-control how can you expect him to? In other WOl'ds, if you find yourself unable to say "no" to your own wish lo give him more expensive clothing and outings with friends, how can you expect your son not to expect these things'?

As you can see, your reaction and even your wish to give him more tends to increase your son's feelings of entitle­ ment. Learning to handle disappointment is an important lessun to learn, since il is something we all encuunter throughout

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It is not in your best interest to give in to your son's whims just to make him happy or avoid his displeasure. Indulging him so he fits in with his peer group may only create a false sense of security, espe­ cial! y if he feels he is

liked and valued for what he owns, not who he is. What's worse, if you start to make sacrifices

knowing over time they will become too great for you to bear, chances are you will wind up resenting your son for asking too much of you.

We all have limits on what we can afford to do. Perhaps you did not consider that by giving in to your son's wishes, you convey implicitly that he can manipulate and control you with negative or demand­ ing behavior. If this is so, then inadver­ tently you wil! teach your son that inappropriate behavior can be rewarded.

Your son needs to learn respect your

"no." One of the best ways is to be a model of self-restraint and maturity. You need to teach him how to differentiate between necessities and luxuries. By the example you set, he can learn that one has to learn to live within one's own means.

If you can't exercise self-control, how can you expect your son to?

As you work on budgeting your time and money, you, may find that there is money for a monthly, but not weekly,

trip to Gameworks or that the right brand of sneakers, even if not the exact model, can be purchased on sale. You may find that by working late one day a week or for a few hours on a Saturday, you can manage to leave work early other days to pick up your son and take him to his sports practice.

Being a parent means learning how to discipline 'with love, considering what is

ultimately is in your son's best interest. At this age, it is likely your son cannot yet appreciate this lesson, so you have to know that despite his reaction, he is learning an important life lesson.

Don't expect to stop your son from wanting everything that his friends have, but with your help, he can be guided to appreciate what he does have and what you are able to do.

As your son matures, he will realize what you did for him was far more valu­ able. And that message is one that he can carry with him iliroughout his life, long. after he outgrows some trendy sneakers or the wish to be just like his friends.

Dr. Andrea Corn is a chile! ane! family psycholo­ gist in private practice in Plantation. She is a member of the American Psychological Associ· ation ane! the Association for the Advancement of Sports Psychologists. You may write to her at cornpsye!@bellsouth.net.

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