fa

TTERS

BY DR. ANDREA CORN

Fun

methodology that

keeps children motivated!

Help classmates to understand adoption

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help to share photos of your experience, particularly from the day or days when your son first came into your life. As long as you can convey the message that the adopted family loves and cares for their child as much as they would if they had given birth to him, then you are giving the children the message that really matters.

You may consider explaining to the class that putting a child up for adoption was a personal decision made by the birth parents in hopes of giving the adopted child a better life than ~ey could provide - and had nothing to do with anything about the child himself. Many adopted children mistakenly think that they did something wrong and that's why their birth parents sent them away. Conse­ quently, adopted children may feel vul­ nerable to rejection and may misunderstand situations based upon such self-doubts.

Children at this age are egocentric, so they think everyone sees things from their viewpoint. You need to explain that fami­ lies are not all alike. Even if an adopted child and his or her parents have different ethnic backgrounds, being loved is what's important and that love becomes integrat­ ed into the child's very being and identity.

In your talk with the class, you'll want to emphasize to the children that being differ­ ent isn't something to make fun of. Being adopted may seem strange to some chil­ dren, but that does not mean it is shameful, embarrassing or deserves to be ridiculed.

Dear Dr. Corn: My son, who is adopt­ ed, knows he is loved and adored by both of his par­ ents. However, one of the kids in his first-grade class has started teasing him and

calling him hurtful names because he told him he was adopted. The other afternoon when I picked him up he bum into tears right in my arms. I have been thinking of asking his teacher to let me have a discussion with his classmates, but I want to make sure this helps.

I think it is a wonderful idea, as many young children do not really understand what it means to be adopted. November is a perfect month for such a discussion, as it is National Adoption Month. Definitely start by discussing this issue with your son's teacher, so you can explain to her your reasons for wanting to educate your child's classmates about adoption and go over with her what you want to discuss. Tell her that you want to present adoption as another way to build a family and address the harmful effects of labeling.

Foremost, you want to explain how this kind of parent-child relationship is con­ ceived in the adopted parent's heart and mind. You want the children to under­ stand how meaningful it i to you and your child. The idea of adoption may be difficult for some children to grasp. It may

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Ar!0ther feature of your talk will be to teach consideration and empathy so the children can imagine how painful it feels to be the recipient of such a putdown, especially when it is so undeserved. The idea is to help them see how it feels to be in someone else's shoes. You can only hope that next time, some kids may be less inclined to say something mean. Some children are attuned to how other children feel, but others need to be taught this important lesson.

Don't be surprised by the range of ques­ tions the children might pose to you. Some children are precocious and may take delight in asking a provocative ques­ tion. It s possible they are more interested in receiving attention and less interested in your factual response. In such an instance, try to focus less on the question and attend more the child's feelings, thoughts or fantasies. Some children may feel a need to put someone down in order

'leI superior or important. You might __ VV the teacher in for assistance at this point, and it might be helpful to ask the child to elaborate on his thoughts and feelings, as this may give you clues as to how to formulate your answer.

In your pr;esentation, remember to speak in clear, understandable terms, and to pay attention to the children's faces and body language in order to make sure you have connected with them. Other­ wise, the children could become bored, not pay attention, or at worst misunder­ stand what you are trying to share. It may help to practice your talk ahead of time in front of a mirror.

A classroom discussion of this nature allows you to actively demonstrate your love to your child while communicating a valuable life lesson about the different ways a family can be constructed to all of his classmates.

Dr. Andrea Corn is a child and family psycholo­ Kin private practice in Plantation. She is a

,ber of the American Psychological Associ· ation and the Association for the Advancement of Applied Sports PSYChologists. You may write to her at cornpsyd@bellsouth.net

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