_f.amily MATTERS

From a different mold

SUPPORT YOUR CHILD'S INTERESTS - EVEN IF THEY DON'T MATCH YOUR OWN

of the guys. She is a tomboy and would rather play foot­ ball, baseball or basketball with her l1-year-old brother, their dad and her brother's friends any day of the week. She is definitely the outdoors type and is not keen on being inside making crafts or playing with dolls. This was not my experience growing up so I confess I am having a hard time with it. I worry she is missing out on being a lit­ tle girl. My husband thinks I worry too much and that she will. outgrow this phase in a few years. I don't know if he is right or not, but I am concerned since I dreamed my

Your daughter is right in the middle of a devel­ opmental stage (ages 6-12) •. when energies are directed into acquiring information and knowl­ edge. forming friendships. and partaking in var­ ious hobbies and extracurricular activities. If the task of this stage involves increasing one's competencies in school. at home. and interac-

tion with peers, then perhaps sports is an area that 9ffers your daughter opportuni­ ties to gain confidence and enhance self­ esteem.

Returning to y?ur question. there are a number of factors to consider that s\J.ould put your mind at ease. First. her interest may signify a desire to emulate charac­ teristics she values and admires in her father. Or it may be a way for her to attain a closer connection with him. Usually. mothers and fathers relate

and communicate in different ways

with their childFen. Some fathers have greater difficulty sharing feelings, but may have an easier time modeling assertiveness or independence. Perhaps your daugh-

ter has discovered sports as the way to achieve their closer bond.

Second, have you considered her brother's influ­ ence on her behavior? Sibling rivalry may offer another explanation. In some families, sibling con­ flicts can be quite intense, which leads to height­ ened competition between siblings. If your daughter happens to be gifted athletically, the spe­ cial attention she receives may offset her feelings about being the younger sibling. On the other hand, if your children are close, she may thor-

ougWy enjoy the camaraderie of playing

sports with her brother and his friends.

Wanting to fit in and experience a sense of belonging boosts positive

feelings. Last. but certainly not least, it sounds like your daugh­ ter derives 'pleasure from being physically active. Whatever her

athle~c abilities may be. llhe enjoys the benefits of her sports participation. Does she have a favorite female athlete? If so. she may model herself after that athlete's achievements and accomplishments. This is a time children are encouraged to

dream and imagine many different possibilities in their life.

My real concern is the strain she may feel from you. If your dllu~ht()~ has the impression she has disappointed you, she may feel unsupported, which may partly

explain her behavior. If she fears your dis­ approval or feels criticized for her' choices. she could unconsciously use her interest in sports as a way to upset you.

n is possible she is hurt and angry knowing she

• family MATTERS

doesn't fit into your mold. If so, then part of her keen intent to play may be to retali­ ~te against you and your wishes. You may advertently have given her the impres-

of who she is. I am sure she has many of your fine characteristics too. However, if you focus on specific female attributes she does not exhibit, this could lead to

particular feelings of

inferiority, knowing she does not meas­ ure up to your stan­ dards. More often than not, certain childhood experi­ ences can impact important choices made later in life.

On the positive side, there is ample research to support that parents can be positive influences in their child's socialization into sports, and their encouragement can be the foundation for a lifelong rewarding sports experience. Plus, the lessons learned in sports teach important char­ acter lessons that can be applied in

If your daughter has the impression she has disappointed you, she may feel unsupported. ... It is possible she is hurt and angry knowing she doesn't fit into your mold.

sion that something is wrong with her. for not identifying with your hobbies and interests. After all, she is in the process of discovering what she enjoys.

Be careful your daughter does not feel badly for being different from you. Your job is to help her grow 'up and feel proud

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other settings throughout one's life.

Don't rush to judgment about your daughter's lack of interest in your favorite hobbies. She may want to learn these . skills at a later time in life. As your hus­ band suggested, once your daughter undergoes puberty, chances are you may see an accompanying change in her self­ concept. Don't despair, instead embrace who she is and the fact she seems happy and is enjoying herself.

Dr. Andrea Corn is a child and family psycholo­

gist in private practice. She is a member of the American Psy­ chological Asso­ ciation and t~e ~ssociation for the Advancement of Sports Psy­ chologists.