_family MATTERS
BY DR. ANDREA CORN
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3 - 6 years old
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Son"s table manners give mom grief
DOES SHE NEED TO LIGHTEN UP?
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Dear Dr. Com: My husband thinks I overreact, but due to our 6-year-old son's lack of table manners I am dreading celebrat ing Thanksgiving with out-of-town relatives. Since the birth of our
third son, now 3, we have not been able to attend these traditional family gatherings. I want to be able to enjoy this holiday and special time with my family, but I am worried about our middle son's inconsiderate behavior, bathroom humor, occasional swearing and exaggerated body sounds at the dinner table. His poor behavior has become the center of attention in our family and has prompted a number of arguments between my husband and me. I know my son thinks he is funny and doesn't realize how much he will embarrass us with his poor etiquette. My hus band, who grew up with two brothers, assures me this is normal kid behavior, but I feel our son's actions cast a negative reflection on our parent ing. What do you advise?
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eouid it be that your concern is magnified because of your upcoming family reunion and the pressures you are placing on your "elf? You seem to be anticipating unpleas ant reactions from family members. Perhaps your fear not only stems from
your son's table maIUlers. It's possible that your real fear lies in disappointing your family and worrying that you have not done an adequate job in upholding your parents' standard of conduct.
Meanwhile, we also need to try and understand what may be fueling your son's behavior. Could it be to seek attention, or because he thinks he is hip and funny? It
is not unusual for some kids to become fascinated talking about private matters. especially toileting fWlctions, especially if he knows it irritates you. You may not be fair to yourself if you equate this particular behavior to a negative reflection upon you.
Perhaps your sensitivity is based on an expectation that your family ,vil! be as dis approving and critical of you today as they were when you were a child. You are now the mother of three children, so you need to remember to separate the past from the present and see yourself in a different role: a parent who is tI}ing to do her best.
Perhaps, right now, the be t remedy is to not be so hard on yourself or your son Be careful not to create a bigger problem than there really is. I would imagine there may be other children present who \\ill behave comparably to your son or possibly even \wrsel This is a relatively common experi ence that could ea ily be blown out of rea sonable proportion.
r\ow let's try and understand your son's beha\ior. Consider the reality that many
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