Reducing children's conflict · and
Dear Dr. Corn: It has always been our dream to have a large family. My husband grew up as an only child, and I had two younger sisters. We are bless,ed with three wonderful children: two daughters, ages 8 and 6, and a son who just turned 3. The problem is we cannot agree on how to reprimand our children during their inevitable sibling rivalries. My husband's approach is to punish the
one who appears to be the troublemaker, whereas I want to give the same consequence to' all three, since I can not always be there to see who started the conflict. We
58 SOUTH FLORIDA PARENTING. www.sfparenting.com
realize we are not setting a good example because we can't resolve our own differences. What advice can you offer to help us better handle our own and our children's squabbles?
First, you and your husband need to figure out what is going on that prevents each of you from reaching a workable compromise. Just as much
as you dislike seeing your children engaging in arguments that likely have some competitive undertone, perhaps the two of you are engaging in something similar. If each of you are holding onto the idea that one of you is right and the other one is Wrong, then this kind of thillking is going to perpetuate feelings of anger, hurt and envy. If you can accept that your different childhoods influ enced your different reactions, then this should help you in developing more tolerance toward one another.
Rather than point fingers at one another, it would be better if you could put your ener~ies toward functioning as players on the same team. Otherwise, your children will use your words to pit you against one another. Certainly, there will be times when the two of you won't see eye to eye, When this happens, take time to discuss the situ ation out of your children's presence before pre senting them with your decision. Overwhelmingly, the research supports parental unity, and being able to discipline together matters more than what method you select.
their abilities nor is it ever diminished when shared with their siblings. At this age, they are too young to comprehend a
. parent's love is unlimited. Therefore, they will focus on what you say or do as repre senting your love for them without realiz ing you must be a disciplinarian at times.
• Discourage tattling. It is commpn to see children blame· someone else thereby
, avoiding taking responsibility for their own misbehaviors. This will gradually subside as the two of you become more
| consistent disciplinarians.. |
• |
• Expect fighting. Arguments are inevi table; however, one of the unexpected benefits of growing up With siblings ,is that youngsters are forced to learn how
to handle their interpersonal conflicts. Here you can help them practice resolving arguments by demonstrating appropriate assertiveness, thinking empathicallY (or putting themselves in each other's pla~e), and compromising.
• Watch out when two are against one.
There will be those times when two sib lings will gang up on the third. Regardless of the configuration, whoever is on the outside will feel excluded. Each child should be encouraged to pursue solitary interests, so he or she can reasonably entertain oneself as well as learn to accept and cope with being momentarily left out.
o Think three musketeers. It is not too early to teach the idea of one for all and all for one. Rather than expect to extinguish sibling conflicts, k!jep reminding ~em their relations]¥p is \(ery special, and only they will share this lifetime of collective experiences. What you want to instill are enduring kindness, respect and loyalty so they can count on one another, no matter their age.
Dr. Andrea Corn is a child and family psycholo gist in private practice in South Florida. She is a member of d the Association for the Advance ment of Sports Psychologists.
Reduce your children's conflict
o Repeat, repeat and repeat: Individual differences do not make one child better than another. Nor does birth order reflect the order of your preference. Expect to hear yourselves say the same phrases. over again, (we love all three of you equally, even though each of you have your spe cial talents). It is important to acknowl edge each of their unique attributes as well as their differing development~ lev els. At their ages, one or more years can make a big difference in their ability to communicate and to engage in respectful turn-taking. It is important to explain this to all three children as they would not reach this conclusion on their own.
• Avoid playing favorites. Children are always hurt when comparisons are made that are presented in absolute terms and make one child feel better at the expense of another (goodfbad, smart/not, athletic/ clumsy). Your children may not realize your love does not change regardless of
The Festivities continue· at the
WinterNational
Hosted by the North Miami Jaycees
The fun continues after the parade through Sunqay, November 27 at the festival in the MOCA Plaza (125th St at NE 7th Court) Enjoy carnival rides,
a variety of food and entertainment for the entire family.
activities in MOCA Plaza at 9:00 AMI
Special guest parade announcers: Brian Andrews of CBS4 and Jorge Estevez of My33.
For WinterNationaJ event information, call 305-895-9840 or 305-895-9891
| NOVEMBER 2006 0 SOUTH flORIDA PARENTING |
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