- family MATTERS
BY DR. ANDREA CORN
Moving
distress
PARENTS WONDER HOW TO BREAK THE NEWS OF A JQB TRANSFER TO THE KIDS
Dear Dr. Corn: As a result of downsizing that occurred within my husband's company, he has been transferred to New Jersey. While his posi tion remains relatively secure, this change uproots our lives. We have been told his trans fer will be effective sometime during the next two months, and our relocation will occur short ly thereafter. We have been reluctant to raise this topic with our two children, ages 7 and 9, as we know they are going to be upset. Our children were born and raised in South Florida and we expect neither one will be eager to leave. They love their school, their neighbors and friends. We live in a great neighborhood. We are unsure how or when to tell them, so we've kept it quiet so far. It is financially impos sible for us to remain here even though we wish we could. Do you have any suggestions?
To begin, your avoidance of discussing this subject with your children is of concern, as it suggests a passive approach to handling emotional conflict. It is understandable that you're apprehensive about revealing difficult news, but that doesn't mean you can shrink away from this duty. You need to begin preparing your children for this important change.
In today's past-faced world, a sudden job relocation is not uncommon. It is your responsibility to teach your children how to cope and handle life's stresses, whether planned or unexpected. If you continue to avoid confronting change, your children could become fearful about changes in their lives, equating change with unhappi ness and loss. Remember, this move
makes the most financial sense for your family and in that sense, it's a positive change. Sometimes life-changing decisions are based upon monetary factors, and kids
need to understand this reality.
Certainly, your children have a right not to want to leave their friends and the life they know. Many people become uncom fortable with change since it unknown and can produce discomfort and fear.
And, if your children have adopted your family's way of coping, th!ln it is likely they too would rather avoid unpleasant feelings. This is a golden opportunity to help them learn how to be in command of their own feelings and look at change in a positive light.
If you start to share what's happening in their father's company and the sequence of events relating to the move, it will help y?ur children to feel more secure and pre pared for what lies ahead. Like you, they need time to get used to the idea.
Chances are your children will need guidance and support to.express the thoughts and feelings on their minds. The entire family needs to know it is natural to feel upset, sad,.and mad about this (or any other) significant ending and loss. Feelings are not be denied or avoided. It is far better to acknowledge your children's feelings and help them cope with their emotional burdens.
As they grow up, they will be able to draw upon these experiences and provide their own self-soothing. Right now, listen ing nonjudgmentally and allowing them to vent is therapeutic. You may need to estab lish particular ground rules (e.g., no shout ing, screaming or cursing) or request any discussion regarding your move must take place when both parents are available at home to listen.
Once you have allowed yourself and your children to acknowledge and express
their frustration and anger, it's time to begin looking forward and anticipate the positive changes that will be possible with the move: perhaps a larger house or better school, new friends, the change of seasons including maybe some snow days, close proximity to New York City for outings or
. shopping, a better job for Dad. It's positive that they'll be moving over the summer .so that they can start in a new school at the beginning of the school year.
I suggest that you contact the chamber of commerce, family organizations, visitors' bureaus and co-workers to gather as much information about your future home as possible.
Even if your children are not immediate ly receptive, don't let that discourage you. Ultimately, they will take their. cues from you. So, do your best to put on a happy face and demonstrate positive feelings and excitement about this new beginning. Once you have settled into your new routine, and ~f one or both children are having a difficult time adjusting, then it may be wise to seek additional professional help. Good luck and have a great move!
Dr. Andrea Corn is a child and family psycholo
gist in private practice. She is a member of the American Psy chological Asso ciation and the Association for the Advancement of Sports Psy-
. chologists.
