family MATTERS

Keys to an imaginary world

YOUR CH,ILD'S FAVORITE 'PLAYMATE' MAYBE ONE HE CREATES, BUT WATCH CAREFULLY FOR SOME VERY REAL INSIGHTS INTO WHA~ HE'S THINKING

BY DR. ANDREA CORN

86 SOUTH FLORIDA PARENTING. www.sfparenting.com

Recently, two letters came across my desk from parents who wanted to better understand their child's pretend play.

My 4Y2-year-old daughter is shy and has difficulty making friends. While she enjoys playing with other children, she seldom approaches them on the playground after school

, and instead, waits to see if she will be included. Sometimes she is, but other times when she is not asked to join in, she doesn' understand why. Luckily, she is comfortable playing by herself and has told me some rather entertaining sto­ ries about her adventures with Emily, her imaginary friend. Although she see~s happy playing by herself, should I be concerned? Or is this a normal phase she is going through?

Your daughter turns to her pretend world because that's where she experiences the joy of relating and friend­ ship without having the disappointment of rejection. In. her imaginary world she has created her wish: to have . a friend (even if imaginary) who enjoys her company,

In this realm, she is able to script the situation exactly the way she wants. Fortunately, your daughter sounds resourceful and should be encouraged for using her imagination. Her stories are telling you she wants to be courageous and 'explore new situations, but somehow hasn't quite discovered how to go about asserting herself in the real W'orid.

Right now, she needs your guidance to learn how to handle her apprehension when approaching other chil­ dren as well as to tolerate unhappiness when interac­ tions don't work out as well as imagined. Your daughter

family MATTERS

doesn't realize that just because another

~ ~hild has said "no," that she isn't neces­ sarily being rejected. Sometimes children say "no" for other reasons without fully explaining themselves. Try role-playing sit­ uations she has encountered. As she learns strategies to adequately handle herself, she may be more inclined to spend less ~e with Emily and more time enjoyIng her friendships.

My 5-year-old son loves to pretend he is Super­ man. He can spend hours entertaining himself,

. going around the house imitating his favorite superhero. Sometimes he can b~come so absorbed in creating this imaginary world that he doesn't hear me call him tl1 dinner. My.son is fairly mild-mannered (like Clark Kent) and I wouldn't be worried, except that he thoroughly enjoys play-fighting and beating up imaginary enemies. I am starting to wonder if he might be spending too much time in his make-believe world, as he prefers to play alone. What do you

. think?

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Fantasy play emerges during the preschool years as young children begin imitating both positive and negative behaviors of people as well as make~believe characters they have observed. Currently, your son has irrunersed himself in a fantasy world where he has the freedom to release angry or even frightening feelings. Perhaps this is his safe refuge where he expresses emotions that are difficult to reveal.

Pretending to be Superman, he becomes all-powerful. Another thought to consider is that your child's enemies may actually represent internal f<Jes such as anger, fear or anxiety, or external ones such as bul­ lies, siblings or others who intimidate or upset him. Either way, your son needs to learn how to appropriately handle himself and talk about what bothers him rather than turning to imaginary situatiens where fighting is used to solve probleI)ls. Over time, your son wil~ learn how to verbalize his negative feelings in a way where he does not fear either his oWl). or another's

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repercussions. Perhaps he is worried about what r;night happen if either his or another person's emotions spiral out of control and overwhelm him.

Right now, his pretend play may be helping him practice how to' master his own angry, scared or frightened feelings. If your son continues to engage in what you believe is aggressive solitary play and is truly not able to play with other children, then there may be cause for concern. If he seems much different that other boys his age, it may be wise to seek professional help to better understand the reasons for your youngster's inhibitions in the real world.

Dr. An,drea Corn is a child and family psycholo­ gist in private practice. She is a member of

t~e American Psychological Association and the Association for the Advancement of Sports Psychologists. .

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