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BY DR. ANDREA CORN\
Express feelings ahead of time'
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TO AVOID REPEAT OF IN-LAW VACATION PROBLEM
Dear Dr. Com: I am struggling with feelings of appre 'hension about our upcoming family vacation, which should be a time for us to kick back and relax and spend some quality time with
our two children, ages 4 and 7. We will be join ing my in-laws, who invited us for a week in the Blue Ridge Mountains. The problem is that when we are in their company, my husband seems more concerned about pleasing his parents and will automatically defer to their requests before asking my opinion. Consequently, we end up arguing more than we do at home. Since this
has occurred during past vacations, I am
already anticipating the same problem again
this summer. I don't feel that I am treated like
an equal partner. I'm also concerned that our children overhear or feel they're in the middle of these disagreements. Do you ha.ve any sugges tions to help avert this problem this year?
First, I would like to compliment you for your insight and willingness to confront a potentially sticky subject. No doubt you have become aware of-a pattern not recognized by your husband. That cre ates a wedge between the two of you.
You feel neglected, left out and hurt because you feel you are not being recog-
nized as an equal partner. Unless you share these feelings with your husband, he may be completely unaware that yoU:
. feel this way. As you probably have real ized, being married does not ensure that your mate will be always in tune with your emotional needs. You have to express them in an appropriate mannar so he can understand your internal dis tress. I recommend starting with an "1" statement, such as "1 was really upset when you said ... " An "I" statement acknowledges personal responsibility. Whereas, if you say, "Why did you say so-and-so to your parents" Bomes across as blaming and critical, and may produce the argument you'd like to avoid.
It's important to understand, and to help your husband recognize, that his reaction to his parents is based on his interactions with them throughout his life. You need to help him to understand that you need for him to consult with you about the issue being discussed and to hear your thoughts prior to his giving a response. It will be important for you to express your feelings; otherwise, your silence may be mistaken as unspoken confirmation rather than a 'withholding stemming from frustration.
Having said all of that, I would like you to consider why you find it difficult to assert yourself with your husband. "That might be holding you back from expressing your feelings to him? It
