Young athletes

can gain a lot

from participating in organized sports, win and lose

By Jessica LaGrossa

When my husband and I found out that our first-born would be a son, we shared the news with family and friends by announcing that we were expecting a football player' Now seven months old, Gabriel already has lots of sports gear, incl uding a baseball bat and ball just his size-both gifts from his very proud first­ time grand pop who is an avid baseball fan. Just as many par­ ents of young children who look forward to watching their kids swing the bat for the first time and score that first touchdown, we are already asking what age will be appropriate for our son to begin playing sports.

But we also want to be sup­ pOI·tive if Gabriel doesn't turn out to be an athlete. All parents must be prepared to do what is best for their children, even when it comes to recreational activities. At what age should kids join a sports team? How do you know if he or she isn't ready for the commitment and skill level? And how do you handle it if your child wants to quit? I spoke with two adolescent sport psychologists to learn more about organized youth sports. ~

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winning with being a winner. "But win­ ning doesn't make a child a winner." she explained. "It is about knowing you tried your best and that you can handle the frus­ tration if you lose."

And yes, every once in a wllile there does come along a Cal Ripken, a Tiger Woods, a Peyton Manning. But the child must have a natural passion as well as the natural abi 1­ ity to go all the way to the pro level. "That passion comes from something internal," explained Corn. "The child wants to prac­ tice as much as he can because he has the desire to succeed."

If a child exhibits expert skills and genu­ inely wants to pursue an athletic career, it is fine for a parent to foster that dream. However, it is extremely important that the dream be the child's, not the parent's. ''If a parent comes on too strong because they want to bask in the child's accomplishment, then the child is then serving the parent's need and the child will eventually figure that out," said Corn

If a child is going to make it as a profes­ sional athlete, it will take years and years of hard work as well as natural ability to get there. "Parents often have lUnnel vision and feel that it is has to happen right away." said Corn. "Even if Tiger Woods was a stand­ out at .'i years old, it took years and years of practice, discipline and dedication to get where he is today."

And, added Finley, if the child is really skilled and passionate in a particular sport, then that child will inherently give up everything else. "The child can't have a normal school existence because they will be focused on the sport exclusively, which is what you have to do to really make it," she explained.

Quitting?

Children of all ages ultimately want to please their parents, so expressing that they are unhappy in a sport and want to quit may be extremely difficult. Changes in a child's demeanor and behavior can be a sign that he or she is struggling with the sport and may not be enjoying it.

"A child may pick a fight before the game, can't flnd his equipment, or com­ plain of a tummy ache when it's time to practice as a way of externalizing his feel­ ings," explained Corn.

The key to addressing an unhappy child, said Corn, is communication. "It is important that the parent is aware of what their child is

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COVER STORY

experiencing and feeling and help the child express and verbalize what is going on."

Finley and Corn both advise parents to be present at practices and games. "If your child is hanging back, not wanting to go on the ficld, talk to them about it," said Finley.

"If your child just struck out and her head is drooping and her shoulders are down, go to her and tell her, 'I know you tried very hard,'" advised Corn.

"Some parents, as much as they want to be involved, arc working and aren't always there to see what is going on," explained Corn. "The child, who doesn't want to make a big deal of it, then swallows their feelings and it takes a sudden blow-up in midseason for the parent to learn that the child is unhappy and frustrated."

Sometimes, according to Finley, a child is simply physically afraid of the game, even if he really wants to play. If the child is scared of being injured in some way, she suggests parents play the game with the child at home to build confidence.

Some children who are in day care and away from their parents during the day sim­ ply want to spend time with parents rather than going to practice or to play in a game as soon as mom and dad are home.

"If you realize that your child isn't ready for organized sports after the season has already begun, then you can still support the team by attending games, by.provid­ ing the team snack, or helping the coach at practices so that they aren't just dropping out of the whole process," added Finley.

The parent can explain the situation to the coach for children younger thatr7, but if the child is older than that, Finley stressed the importance of teaching the child to bow out correctly. "Make the child go to the coach to explain," she said. "Rehearse what he is going to say beforehand, and go with him for support."

In the end, some k ids are more mature than others, and a child may just not be ready to participate in sports. If this is the case, wait another season and then let him or her try again. "If you force the child to do the organized sport, then the child will begin to hate it," warned Finley.

"Spons have great potential for teaching important life lessons and for being fun," she concluded. "But most importantly, we want children to enjoy their childhood." Wi'

Jessica LaCros.l·a is ADVANCE associale/ weh editor.

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Deciding'to Join a Team

Diane Finley, PhD, professor of psychology at Prince George's Community College in Largo, MD, tells parents that, first and fore" most, they must ask themselves, "does illY child want to participate in sports')"

"A lot of timcs parents enroll chilclren in sports because they feel they should play," she explained, "But they need to realisti­ cally assess the child's interest and skill,"

While most youth sports programs begin at age 5, soccer, according to Finky, can be the perfect starter sport for children as young as 4 years old, "The kids really just run up and down the field at this age and there arc few injuries," she explained. "This age range usually just doesn't have the coordination for most other sports,"

Finley, who currently serves as a consul­ tant to her county's recreation and parks department, also suggests fhal parents check out the organization in which the child will play and assess how the league is structured, Some children are naturally skilled in a particular sport and. if inter­ ested, should handle a traveling competi­ tion team well. Most children, however, neeclto be involved with an organization which requires that each player gets time on the field each game.

When your child is just beginning to get involved with spons, Finky advises that the child choose one sport to play. "There arc not a lot of instances in which young kids can

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playa dilTercnt sport each ~e;lson, she said, "We lend 10 oVCl'-schedule kids lociay: they aren't jusl h;lI1ging oul and having fun," The nHlI'l' lealllS lhe child is commilted to, thl' more:

Ihe sports become responsihilitit~s mlher than enjoyable hohhies,

And it is important 10 reme:l1lher that most kids are out on the play­ ing field because thcy i'lIjn\' playing sports, Andrea Corn, PsyD, LLC, a privale-practice psychotherapist and sports psychology proi'cssor al 5t. Thornas Unive:rsily in Miami, explained thai research has shown Ihal the numbel' one reason children ages (i to 12 participate in sports is because they W;lI1t to have run, Also al lhe top of the list is the de:sire: to learn new skills, 10 be with friends. to experie:nce Ihe excitement of COlll­ petition, and to he part of a team.

However, "VI.'inning is way down on Ihe list. especially for younger children" saiel Corn, "Kids at Ihis level clon'l cal'e about the final score. they arc learning about

how to he part of a team. how to play together, how to respeci the coach, and how to handle adversity."

To Reward or Not

Whl~ther 10 reward all plaYL'rs has beL'n a hot t.opic among youth sports organi/.at ions over the past rcw years Is il approprialt' 10 give out trophies to even the last plal'e tealll at the end of the season')

According to Corn, this is a positive fOl'm of I'einforcemenl for beginners. "It i., excit­ ing for the lillie ones to gel lrophies because they neeel to see il, touch il and h,: excited over it, especially ror Ihe lirst year or two oj' participaling." she cxplailled. ",L\ tl'Ophy gives them a sense of team <:amaradnie,"

Bul <Jl'Ound age ~, the trophics should bl: reserved for the champions of the league. Learning that not everyone gels ;1 trophy is an important lesson for young oncs Icarning to be a part of a leam. "Kids have 10 karn how to win and losc gr;lcdully." said hn­ Icy, "Kids need to learn that Ihe.y C\ll'[ do everything. and be the besl at everything,"

"Receiving a Irophy wilL'n Ihe child knows he or she doesn't descrve il elot~sn'l make it special and can leavc him or her feeling rl10ny because they know they really aren't thai good," Corn explained,

And in the end, she added. giving out

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trophies to children who were on bottom­ ranking teams will not. cnhance their desire to perforJn and participate, but rather can often de II'act rrom the in tcrest. "What chi ltiren really want is verbal praise from their parents and coacl1L~s as well as hugs and high fives."

Pro Pressure

One or the higg.est problems in youth sports toelay. according to Corn, is that parents, aiming tor a college athletic scholarship or yearning for a multi-million dollar pro­ Clllllr,lct put Ihe focus on the outcome of every game way 100 soon, "At t.he youth sport kvel. Ihe: rocus should really be about eITort," she said.

Fi nle) agn~ed ... So many parents get ciollar signs in their eyes and think that their kid is going to be the next best athlete," she added. "And Ihal \ not the case Illost of the time."

Rathel' th;U1 pushing for greatness, Corn explained (hat the focus should be on offer­ ing SUPP0rl 10 the child. "Be proud of what they arc trying to accomplish and help to build a positive environment in sports," she tells parents, "The child will then learn to trust Iheir own ahililies and 10 develop a sense. of Illastl~ry over the skills."

Many children will want to el11ulale the pro athletes they come 10 admire, warned Corn. ilnd Ihey can then easily 11li~idcntify

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winning with being a winner. ··But win­ ning doesn't make a child a winner." she explained. "It is ahoul knowing you tried your hest and that you can handle Ihe frus­ tration i I" you lose. ,.

And yes, every [mee in il willie till~rl: docs cOlne along a Cal Ripkcn, a Tit~er Woods. a Peyton Manning. HlIl the child must have a natural passion as well as the natural abil·· ity to go all the way to the pro level. "That passion cOllles from something interniil," explained Com. "The child wanls to pral··· tice as Illuch as he can Ix'cause he has Ihe desire to succeed."

If a child exhihits experl skills and genu­ inely wants 10 pursue an athletic career, it is tine for a parent to foster that dream. However. it is extremely 111lporlant thilt the dream bc the child's, not the parcnt's. "II" a parent cOllles on 100 S11"(11)2 because the:)' want 10 bask in Ihe child's accoillplisl1l11cni. then the child is thcn snvin(!. the P<lrCllt\ need and the.child ...••.. ill cvcntually ligmc that out," said Corn

If a child is going to make it as il proks­ sional athlete, it willtilke years and yeilrs of hard work as well as nalural ilbility to gl'.1 there. "Parents often have tunnel vision and feel that it is has to happen right away," said Corn. "Even if Tiger Woods was ~l slaml­ out al .~ years old, il lOok yeil[·s ;Ind vears of praclice, discipline and dedication 10 gel where he is Imlay"

And, added Finley, if the child i.'i r.:ally skilled and passionate in ~I particular sport, then that child I-vill inherently give up everything else. "The child can't have a normal school existence because IhL')' ,,·i/l be focused on Ihe sport e.xclusively, whiL'h is whal you have to do to really Illake it. she explained.

Quitting?

Children of all ages ultimately want to please their parents, so eXIJ["essing thai they are unhappy in a sport and want to quit may be extremely difficult. Changes in a chilli's demeanor and behavior can be il .,ign thitt he or she is struggling v, .. ith Ihl: ,pori ilnd may not bc enjoying it.

"A child Illay pick a fight bdore the game, can't find his equipJIlCllt, or COJll­ plain or a lummy ache when it's lime 10 practice as a way of externalizing h/.'i feel­ ings," explained Corn.

The key (() addressing an unh;lppy child. said Corn, is corn[nUniuliion. "II is important that the parent is aware of what their child IS

e.'I)erieneing and feeling and help lhe child exprt'ss and verbali/.e whal is going on."

Finley and Corn hoth advise parents 10 be present al praclices anel games. "If your child is hanging back, no! wanting to i!() on I ilL' tkld, talk 10 thclll about it," said Finley.

"J I' your ch i Id just slruck out and her head is drooping and hel' shoulders arc down, go 10 hn and Icil he[', " k now you tried very hareL'" advised Corn.

":;OJllC parcnts, as much as they want to he i[lvolved, ill·C working ,Ind aren'l always there 10 see whal is )!oing on," explained Corn. "The child, who dm:sn'l want tn make a hig deal of il. then swallows their feelin)!s and it lakes a sudden blow-up in midseason for the parel!1 to learn that the child is lInhappy and frustraled."

SOllletillles. ,Icconiing to Finley, a child is simply physically afraid of the game, el-'en if he really wants to play. If Ihe child is scared of being injured in some way, she suggesl.' parcnls pia\' the game with the child al home to huild conlidence.

Some children who are in day care and away fmm their piirents during tile day sim­ ply want to SPClle.! lime with parents rather than goin)! to practice or to play in a !lame as soon as mom and d,\ll are home.

"If vou realizc that your child isn'l ready for organized sports artn the scaSOll has already begun. Ihen you can still support the team by illtL'nding games, by provid­ ing lhe kalll snack, or helping the coach ,11 practices so that they ill'en't just dropping out of the whole process," added Finley.

The parent can explain the situation 10 the coach for chi Idren younger than 7, bUI if Ihe child is older than thai, Finley stressed the imporlance of leaching the ehild to bow out correctly. "Make the child go to the coach to explain," she said ... I~l'hearse what he is going 10 say beforehand, and go wilh him fm support."

in the end, sOllle kids arc mme mature Ihan others, and a child may just not be rl'ildy to participale in sports. If this is the casc, IV,lit anothl:r season and then lei him or her try agilin "If you fmce thc child to do IhL' organi/.L,d SpOIl. then the child will hegin to hale il." wartlcd hnley.

"Spons haw great potential for leachin!! important life lessons and for being fun," she concluded. "Bul IlIOSI IInportilntly, wc want chil(lr-cn to L'[ljoy IIKir dlildlwod." .C

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