Family Psychology

Overview

Divorce is not just one single event, it is a process of separating, grieving, healing, and restructuring the family.

We are aware that you may be experiencing financial pressures, increased responsibilities, along with the loss of familiar routines.

You are trying to adjust to new challenges, and the stresses of these changes can be overwhelming at times.

While you are attentive to your own feelings as you undergo this process, you also need to consider how divorce affects your child/ and or children.

One of the major tasks the divorcing parent has to learn is how to help your son(s) or daughter(s) cope with this significant life change.

Studies have shown the effects of divorce on your offspring(s) will vary depending on the age, how well he or she copes with change and stress, the emotional support available, and the amount and degree of intensity of marital disharmony that occurred from the time of initial seperation to the final divorce decision.

Our goal through sessions is to guide single parents in how to handle some of the behavioral or emotional difficulties your child may experience during these times.

Tips

Do Not Attack the other spouse in front of your child. A child will become defensive and try to protect the other parent regardless of who is right or wrong. Encouraging a child to take sides is highly damaging and unfair.

Do Remember that no matter what your child tells you, he or she wants to feel loved and know that your child's anger can be tolerated.

Do Not Try to buy your child's love. It doesn't work. You end up with a child who knows how to manipulate you.

Do Reassure your child when he or she feels rejected or unloved. Your attitude and behavior makes a difference in the long run. Listening and acknowledging that you are hearing your child's fears, emotions, and concerns will be an essential component in the healing process.

Guidelines for Parents

Infant to toddlerhood (birth to 2 years)

Even at this age problems can develop. Although an infant cannot verbalize his/her perceptions, your baby could be affected by changes in care giving. These changes would be experienced as disruptions in daily routines. Examples include feeding, sleeping, and/or nap taking.

Signs to Watch Out for

Excessive clinging, bouts of crying, refusing to eat, or withdrawing from your presence.

Helpful Hints

Try and Keep your infant's routine as consistent as possible. If you find yourself having a difficulty maintaining a regular schedule, seek out a family member; or a reliable friend to tend to the baby's needs.

Toddlers (2 to 3 years old)

Developmentally, this is a phase where a child is learning to assert his other own self all the while knowing he or she is still very dependent upon parental figures. Toddlers are adventurous beings, yet he/she needs to feel reassurance of parental support and protection. Some toddlers may be sensitive to the feelings of other people and therefore unknowingly identify with feelings of loss, rejection, or abandonment just watching his or her parent's reactions and subsequent behaviors.

Signs to Watch out For

Changes in any already acquired behaviors such as eating, sleeping, and/or toileting. The appearance of frequent and uncontrollable temper tantrums as well as dependent and clinging behaviors would be your child's way of physically demononstrating his or her feelings of anger, frustration, or helplessness.

Helpful hints

A stable routine is highly important. It is important for both spouses to try and maintain similar schedules and routines (this includes naptime, bath, meals, storytime, and bedtime). Send a favorite stuffed animal, blanket, or even photographs during visits with the other parent. Your child will feel comforted by the presence of a familiar object or objects. Short, frequent visits at this age are better than spacing them out once every two weeks. A toddler is not old enough to understand the concepts of time (such as yesterday, today, or tomorrow).

Pre-Schoolers (3-5 years old)

A pre-schooler will display his/her feelings of anger, sadness, or loss in countless combinations of words, and/or actions. It is your job to try and help your child find the right words to use rather than express his/her feelings with fists or feet. Children at this age are also "egocentric". This means that they believe the world revolves around them. As a result, your child forms both positive and negative beliefs about him or herself as well as others based upon his/her experiences with you. Furthermore your child's interpretation of the events in his or her life are based in part fantasy, not only reality. One reason for this is at this age, children are introduced to make believe and fairy tale stories, where magical, happy endings occur. So, don't be taken aback, as it is quite common if you hear your child speak about reconciliation fantasies even after a divorce has taken place.

Signs to Watch Out For

Significamt reversals in your child's emotions or behaviors: these may include bed wetting, excessive temper tantrums, thumb sucking, disturbances in sleep or eating patterns.

Tips

Remember You are your child's most significant role model. Try and conduct yourself in ways you would want your child to emulate. Remember to praise positive behaviors. This will help enhance your child's self-esteem.

School age (6-12 years)

A Child of this age group may blame him or herself rather than express hurt or angry feelings to one's parents. This leads to feelings of guilt, sadness, and anger as the child somehow convinces him or herself that he or she caused marital breakup. Your child may also become sensitized to loyalty conflicts and pressures placed upon him or her to side with one parent or the other. If this happens, your child may become confused, frustrated, and helpless. Or your child may react with more anger; either verbally or physically, or perhaps become less communicative and withdrawn.

Generally, girls tend to exhibit more sadness and withdrawl like behaviors; whereas boys are often seen to be more aggressive and confrontational. Feelings of anger which are too uncomfortable to be expressed within the home will then be displaced onto a friend, a teacher, or even a sibling.

Sometimes the anger toward one parent may be directed at the safe parent, that is, the parent the child has a healthier relationship with, since negative feelings are more readily accepted.

Some children began to behave like the parent, that is, they take on a parental role, by making important family decisions. This is often detrimental to the child as he or she is not emotionally mature enough to handle these responsibilities.

Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or bossiness may occur as the child is frustrated in not being able to "fix: their parent's relationship.

Signs to Watch Out For

Pay Close attention to any changes in child's behavior and mood (at home or school), grades, or choice of friends. You may need to continually reinforce to your child that he or she did not cause the divorce to occur.

Tips

Remember Try your best to work out any problems (e.g. scheduling, weekends, changing times) with your ex-spouse without involving your child; don't make your child the middle person. Talk to your child about their friends whose parents have divorced. You may want to find a support group to help your child sort out and express his or her feelings.

Adolescents (12-18 years old)

Adolescence is a time of emotional upheavals, uncertainty, indentity struggles, and a heightened need for peer approval. Young adolescents are very concerned with how others percive them.

The relationship that he or she establishes with others is based upon what has already been created with each parent. It is very important to practice good communication and listening skills.

Assire your child that while the divorce may feel embarassing, it is not a shameful event. While there are now two distinct households, a child can feel loved within each.

This is the time when many adolescents worry that they may end up in terpersonal situations that resemble their parents. Fears of being unloved, left behind, or afraid of trusting another person could emerge.

Your son or daughter's behavior could also become more angry or antisocial. This could relate to a variety of feelings and are often seen in response to changes in one's economic security, or sense of powerlessness about the situation.

Signs to Watch out For

Watch for any signs of trouble from denial, depression, drug alcohol usage, or running away, to overt changes in their apperance, choice of music, friends, etc. Seek professional help if you discover any signs of chemical abuse.

Tips

Shows interest by attending their activities, yet respect their wishes for times to be alone and reflect. Don't stop settting reasonable limits, rules, and curfews. Your teen may rebel, yet letting them know the limits is very important, as it also reasures them and lets them know you care. Think back to the time when you were an adolescent and remember how you viewed your parents. Now try and stretch your viewpoint with tolerance and understanding.